my thoughts this morning.

if i could just embrace my mean and judgy side, i'd be wildly successful.

soule mama's insane knitting and sewing talent is wasted on her awful style.

how do people stay regular without coffee?

i wonder how norman reedus is doing?

is it weird that i dreamed about dating him, but still have this weird memory imprint caring for him thing?

holy moly there is a teeny tiny mexican joint at the end of my street.
i JUST found it.
it's like the way more mexican version of budgee's burrito's.
it kick's so much ass.
the little old mexican lady who was running the till
smiled at me in pride when i said 'absolutely yes', to hot sauce.
i guess they don't get many yes's in this city.

yesterday as i was about to get on the metro,
there were two cops just outside the entrance,
and one was looking at me, so as i got close,
i looked back and said
'yes?', thinking there was a problem with the metro or something.
nope.
he was just flirting.
his name was thierry.

i went out for drinks with, what was supposed to be ALL the mama's,
(whom i like to think of as my co-workers)
but after a avalanche of bailers,
turned out to be just me and the fabulous aussie julie.
we bar hopped along rue presbourg for three hours, trying out everyone's mojito's.
although it was pricey,
l'arc stole and ran so far away with the cake.
yum yum.

was gratified today at the parc to watch the 19 month old
interact and play so gently with a similarly aged girl.
the big draw was the ball that she'd brought along,
which he recognized as hers, and kindly gave it back to them as they were leaving.
which i was sure wouldn't happen.
nice surprises.
which helps out a mildly hungover and underslept nanny.

bike tomorrow at bicloune.
they just got in a huge arrival of used city bikes.
yipee skippee.

god i love spring.

It's spring.
Which means I feel like blogging afresh.
It's been a stellar week here, so much sunshine and warmth,
bringing such hope, and eagerness.

Today I felt at home in this city.
I met friends and friends parents for lunch,
met up with some more friends in Tuileries
for talks and laughs,
saw a movie,
wandered my neighborhood...
Good good things.
Connection things.
Reviving things.

I hope to get a bike this week,
because heading down into the metro however many times a day with this weather is just unfathomable.

Ok that's it really,
Just to stay i think I'm back,
An spring is good.

contemplating worth today.
what's worth it?
worth working for change, worth engaging with...

it started on the metro this morning with a wee altercation,
(i, of course was not at fault)
but being a person who abhors confrontation,
instead of saying something in return,
i clammed up, turned away and proceeded to ramble a lengthy,
choicely worded diatribe at this person, inside my head.
was it worth stating my case? saying something back?
as it actually happened, i arrived at work grumpy and off kilter.

is it worth persuing means to become a better confrontationalist? (word?)
in the moment, is it worth it to say something?
or really actually better to leave it?
how does one know the line, or the boundries of acceptance in ones own life?
when to let be, and when to strive for change?
because all in all,
i'm not sure becoming a better confrontationalist
will make me a better person, nor enhance my quality of life.

thankfully my grumpiness abated
when i spent the morning and lunch with my friend caroline.
we are very different people,
very different kinds of faith
(who actually believes yoga is of the occult??),
but we are friends.
and that woman can whip up a seared duck breast like NO ONE.

there once was a girl who contemplated thankfulness.
how easy it is to gurgle forth feelings of thankfulness,
when one's expectations have been met.
this girl had a thoroughly full bowl of reasons
to be thankful that holiday season.
but she wondered about the times
when it didn't seem like things were so full.
was it more about managing her expectations?
or was it about digging beyond the met/not met-ness of her ideals?
she was sure it was probably the latter of the two,
but as she sat there thinking about it,
hot coffee in hand, cozy pj's still on (at 1pm),
a train to bavaria a few hours later,
she found it hard to think past the fullness of now.
she was content.
and thankful.
and mindful to carry these thoughts along with her
for some other time that didn't seem so rosy.

there once was a girl who liked,
but never truly loved, granola.
poor granola, this girl strung him along for years.

then one day this horrible girl got drunk,
and slept with granola's brother meusli.
and never talked to granola again.

some more good things.

out of the 20 plus soy latte's i've had here in paris this fall,
only like two of them have been shitty.
and every other one was spectacular.
do you know how weird that is??
in all of vancouver,
there was only one place where i knew for a fact
that my soy latte would be killer,
which was the laughing bean at hastings and..slocan??
(kaslo? yikes i'm starting to forget things).
the starbucks barista's here are impeccably trained.
i'm so, so amazed.

anyhoo the greatness of the soy latte
is derailing the whole 'green tea in the afternoon' thing.

ticket to germany for christmas!!
i'll be heading to ansbach, in the south of germany,
home the wonderful Spaeth's.



ms. christina spaeth is a dear friend living here in paris,
and has most graciously invited me to stay for the holidays.

gotta say, living abroad, i'm two for two
with unbelievable hosting generosity.
WHAT UP LONDON ENNS'??

this recipe.
will become you're go to chocolate chip cookie recipe.
with the sea salt sprinkled on top,
and no leavening agent,
its this dense, soft, sweet and salty cookie.
YES.

paid 6 euros ranch dressing
on a whim at the american grocery boutique.
soooooo worth every centime.

some good things.

simon woke up from his coma. and is doing really great.
his heart stopped randomly a couple days ago while playing basketball,
and it was pretty sketchy for a bit.
"wake UP simon" was my prayer for three days straight.

slowly learning more and appreciating more about cheese
through the tutiledge of the favre-bonvin's.
dinner at their place always ends with an insane assortment of cheeses,
which i get walked through, and have fun trying.

also, via the lovely F-B's, a french grandma jam hook up!! YAA!! FRAMBOISE!!!

yoga.
started last week, and am loving it.
yesterday i got my ass handed to me by a 60 year old teacher.

sunday morning pastries runs are usually a bust,
because the good bakery is closed on sunday's.
but this morning, the mediocre bakery knocked it outta the park yo!

last week was a three day work week,
and this week is a four day week!

two new tv shows. homeland with major winters (sighhhhh) and claire danes. and once upon a time, which is superb, and written by the same folks who brought you lost.

beastie boys.

walking out of my house this morning,
i felt like i was about to snap.
but at the same time, i could see myself in this rageful place
and was like
yo. why are you so angry? chill out, there are no reasons here.
it was a weird sensation.
i mean, it's true,
tiny shitty things kinda kept happening,
but i'm pretty good at taking things in stride.
so, it's like the core of me was taking things in stride,
but this outer emotional layer that i couldn't seem to control
was a total bee-otch.
and all i could do was watch with bemusement.
and then, AND THEN,
my coffee was soooo watery, i'm pretty sure they brewed the pot without changing the filter/grinds.
that's when i developed the twitch.

yesterday was saturday and i woke up at 6:30am.
then i continued to flop around and doze until 7:30
at which time i hauled my arse outta bed and down to the bakery,
because i was like,
sweet! there is NO WAY they can be sol out of almond croissants this early!
(have i told you of my on going saturday morning saga
of perpeturally sold out almond croissants?
one time i got one with jon anderson
as i walked him to the train station at 9am,
but there was only ONE LEFT, good thing he's a celiac).
anyhoo, wtf they weren't even baked yet.
so apparently there is like a half hour window somewhere. I WILL FIND IT.
so i settled for pain au chocolat
(hahhahaha you like that north americans?? i SETTLED for pain au chocolat)

came back and made coffee,
whipped out two loads of laundry,
a sink of dishes,
cleaned my room,
and sat for 20 mintues trying to figure out where the hell the batteries go on my super 8 camera. anyone? a zenga somewhere?
then my roomate woke up around 11, we chitty chatted, he left for work
and i putzed around for a couple more hours.

then made myself go and get some sunshine.
which was beneficial because:
i do think i found this winters coat. COS knocks it outta the park again.
i experienced what gelato tastes like when they put it on the cone in flower formation (faaaaar superior to ball formation).

then i made a huuuuuge salad for dinner
(sandra salad: one fruit, one veg, one seed/nut, one cheese, leaves, and oil/vinager/sometimes maple syrup)
then i watched bones and went to sleep.

now of course i'm awake too many hours before church starts,
which is giving me plenty of time to decide what to wear,
and which songs bertrand and i will tackle for translation.
oh because litte french church worship revolution is a comin. WATCH OUT.

but first, coffee, coffee, coffee.

reasons why jetlag sucks:

hungry all the time.
like, just finished breakfast, sitting at computer with coffee,
and thinking MUST HAVE SOMETHING SWEET RIGHT NOW.

smoking doesn't feel good.

have to pee all night long. wtf? why?

awake at 4am. tried to go back to sleep until 6am, but ended up having some wierd, not really asleep nightmare about zombies.

there is not enough coffee in my vicinity to satiate things.

my hair cannot be bothered to look presentable.

can't finish reading the giving tree to child without breaking down in tears.

a post of lists (will add more today..i've forgotten some)

i am loving right now:

- chanel #19 red liptick. the perfect red lipstick
- my kinda masculine navy blue ballerines
- cheap fruit through the city
- the date august 26th
- tacos at candalaria. all the time, anytime.
- the movie 'submarine'. fantastic!
- where the plot is going reading 'game of thrones' AIYA! i went to bed with a racing heart last night
- my wax ear plugs. if you need to wear them, i cannot recommend wax enough. brilliant.


yesterday i saw:

- an ad for an app that lets you know where the closest shop is that sells cigarettes.
- an old man on a bike smoking his pipe

not loving right now:

- the weather
- above new shoes wreaking havoc on my feet. tis the summer of breaking in shoes.
- tourist season
- needing to wear said wax earplugs at night. SOOO LOUUUDDD. windows open, summer, you know.

things i am unsure about:

- this haircut

things i can't wait to eat in vancouver:

- pulled pork @ the whip
- nachos and beer @ foundation
- breakfast @ deacons corner
- breakfast @ slickety jims
- breakfast @ the odegards (and by breakfast i mean kenton's benny's)
- sandwhich @ meat and bread
- tacos @ the weird small place on victoria
- coffee @ JJ
- coffee @ JJ

i posted a couple weeks ago the carl jung quote,
about being able to communicate the important stuff abates lonliness.

and that's totally true.

but i had friends this weekend of such caliber
and familiarity and similarities,
that made me think
ok yes, thats true,
but there is more.

what's important?
i have a tough time sorting and wading through my heart and head
getting it onto paper,
getting it able to say to another.
so a lot of stuff gets jumbled and forgotten
and can stay dormant until the next time i sit to sort and wade, maybe.

but these friends,
and these conversations,
and these laughters,
while giving me a very full weekend,
(and by that i mean a full heart),
also gave me back that yearning for ongoing dialogue and communion
where
through its ongoing-ness
and its non-intentional-ness
naturally creates and cultivates.
helps to sift through priorities and values.

and having it handed to me on silver platters this weekend
put a spotlight on the 10 month lack thereof.
and realized that while the ability to communicate the important stuff is vital,
and is firmly in place,
the relationships that are there to sift/sort by conversing/laughing/communing,
are not.

i'll let you know how this turns out.

ya so
met a boy in a taquiera the other day.
from oregon, living in london.
he gave me his card.
just sent him a wee email saying nice to meet you
and thanks for coffee tip.
(i'll always take coffee tips from portlanders)

he has the same last name as some musicians from vancouver,
so i attached a little youtube song to the end of the email.
a song that i've been loving and listening to for the last while or so.

i just went back and really listened to it on a hunch,
and sure enough,
the song is pretty much going to come across as a booty call.
"we are lonely people in this lonely town....
you've got some skin, and i've got some time..."

gaaaaahhhhhh.
and
craaaaaaaaappp.

there have some teary moments of late.
some good and cleansing,
some encountering humanity and beauty,
and some of pure heart caught in throat-ness,
like this

"hi julie, i really miss you.
i’m wondering when you’re going to come back. '
i’m having dreams about you, when you’re coming here.
when can we skype? that’s all..."

a wee email from olivia this afternoon.
i'm a bit of a river right now.

recently.

-its supposed to be 34 degree's today. it seems like everyone on the metro this morning was quite well aware of this fact. except for the woman who walked on in a caftan and leather pants. it seemed like the entire train looked at her in disbelief, and then kinda at each other. girllll, you gonna CHAFE.

- riding the metro yesterday, a mother with her two teenage daughters that were mildly loud and cheerful, which is to say they drew notice. at one point the mother reaches over and taps her daughters shoulders to remind her of her posture. and i kid you not, i saw about seven other people (including me!) straighten up and fix their own posture. ah mothering. we all need it.

- yesterday after church, a few of us got invited over to mama motoko's for lunch. she whipped up the craaaaaaaziest delicious japanese lunch. i almost died. sushi/sashimi/tempura/a salad i don't know the name of (with seaweed noodles..delish)/terryaki chicken...well done mama motoko.

- lost my metro card on the train yesterday, realized it right away, and was bummed, because knowing i wasn't likely to get it back, it would take some fandangeling budget wise to replace it (i had just bought july's tarif the day before, plus the cost of replacing the actual card. grr). bummed through the early evening, my friend joanne and i boarded the metro in Issy and randomly asked the clerk there if he'd heard of any card being picked up and handed in. he was like, "sorry. chat chat chat, there is nothing i can do, chat chat chat, the only thing i can do is show you that i have this card right here. and with a smirk he pulls out MY CARD!! he knew the whole time we were inquiring (beacause it has my photo on it). and i was so suprised i yelled "C'EST MOI! C'EST LA MIEN!" and thats the story of how i got my card back and didn't have to pay about 75 euros to replace it. i mean really, of all the stations on that line 12 that some gentle soul handed my card into the clerk, after finding it on the train...was the same station that we thought to ask at?? miraculous.

- yesterday i spent from 9am until 10 am out and about with people. church in the morning, mama motoko's in the afternoon, and then a special service at night. it was the first time i realized that speaking french all day and trying to understand and concentrate all day is very, very exausting. my mind hurt. :) but thats ok. it will get better.

- now i'm going to go and make eggs in a basket for breakfast...again. with avocado's...again. i've been responding to my body's weirdly insistant cravings lately...last week red meat. last four days or so, avocado's...the last month has been weird. i think my body is depleted...or something. banana's, green tea, eggs...all these things keep creeping up as major cravings..hmm.

totally not alone.

"Loneliness does not come from being alone,
but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important."

Carl Jung

there are many, many things about france that i love, and will have a hard time leaving behind one day. but today i'm having a bit of a mopey nostalgia for some uniquely north american 'givens'.

clothes dryers.
bathtubs.
customer service.
worship music written after the 90's.
things being open on sundays.
16 oz of coffee wherever and whenever you want it.
(i had a thought today that made me laugh. in vacnouver in would feel ashamed for drinking starbucks because there was no need to. in france i'm ashamed because i need to.)

well, those are the big ones. lets not call it complaining, because i shudder to think of being one of those north americans..
but at some point in the last couple days, each one of these things has encouraged a little wistfulness.
now i'm going to have some superior bread and cheese.

(heading to berlin at the end of the month.
robin sends me an email detailing some vegetable e-coli breakouts in germany)

julie: guess we can really only have sausage and beer then. shit.
robin: a girls got to do, what a girls got to do.

i feel like i lived my whole weekend in barcelona in one line thoughts.

arrived crazy late to festival friday night, tickets all sold out, i sit and sleep under a tree until 6 am and ross finds me.

we get to donnie's place, but can't get a hold of him, so thankfully an older couple comes out at 7 am, and we are able to enter building and sleep on roof.

i slept on a garden roof at 7am in barcelona with stolen bed linens off the laundry line.
seriously! the view!!! the warmth!
donnie finds us at 11.

back to bed until 6pm.
head to festival just in time to hear fleet foxes, having sadly slept through tallest man.

ate the most delicious hotdog on the planet. x2. wish i had another.

go over and watch the barca/manchester game. no contest really. barca easily takes it.
a total rush standing in such a huge crowd excitedly singing the national anthem.

pj harvy. solid.

around now i start drinking.
what am i, 20? fanta and vodka.

mogwai. a nice discovery. with no real vocals, i take it in deep. spirit.

3am. animal collective. WHOA.

a battle of wills ensues between those who wish to head home, and those who wish to get drunker and stay. the outcome, while maddening, was not shocking.

we arrive home at 7am.

sleep until one pm,
we head out to lunch with donnie and crew..

WHAT?? all you can eat, sushi, chinese, bbq/grill, fruit, ice creams...
totally not trashy..sooooo legit, for only 14 euros.

chinese people running a sushi place in barcelona does not easy communication make.

5pm, head to the airport!
barcelona transit, you are a dream!
and the airport! once you get through security, there is this amazing courtyard to chill out in until your flight. for me, this means, a smoke! yipee!

all in all,
i had a great weekend,
but my 30 year old body was not totally thrilled with the 20 year old type antics.

happy post.
feeling gushy about the little produce store on my street.
run by two chinese girls,
they consistently have the most astoundingly fresh,
undamaged selection of fruits and veggies
at totally great prices.
i'm there every two days to stock up. seriously.
i've eaten muesli, yogurt and berries,
every night for the last 10 nights or so.
with the gorgeous weather,
i don't want anything hot, heavy or that i have to make.
assembly, i can do!
and while i'm here,
the yogurt..OH the yogurt.
nestle's la laiterie makes a vanilla one
in little glass pots to DIE for.
so much stuff comes in glass. its nuts.
i know a bunch of people who save the mustard containers as drinking glasses.
they're kinda pretty.

ALSO
and this is pretty big
for those of you who have known me for a while
the gap has finally been replaced as my go to store.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT??
its replacement is
COS.
i find it very unlikely that i'll be able to live in a city
in the future
that does not have a COS.
just bought a pair of super cute sandles that will see me through for a while.
also a dress a little while back.
love.

i know i havn't written in over three weeks, nearly four (oh my goodness)
and that a short little entry isn't what you deserve,
but alas, just a quickie to tell you that yesterday was a really good day.

1. rode my bike to work (got lost twice)

2. because of bike, was able to stop at starbucks
and buy massive morning coffee (oh how i've MISSED YOU!!!)

3. dinner invitation for friday night at annie and thierry's

4. read a great quote that inspired from garance dore:
"..that there are career choices way off the beaten path, and that’s it’s the passion you put in it that makes it glamorous…"

5. met a really hot japanese manny at the kids gymnastic class.

6. slipped and fell on an oily cross walk and black and blue'd my knee REALLY GOOD.

listening to patty griffin's nobody's cryin'.
"still have this secret hope
sometimes all I do is cope"..

thinking so much about hope lately.
words and phrases keep coming
across my path that completely resonate.
maybe its a season for hope.
maybe its the actual season of spring, bringing hope..
"i am not an optimist, but merely a prisoner of hope"
which is true
because i'm not totally optimistic
that love will come
or that career happiness will soon find me.
but even in this feeling of weariness,
hope remains.
and i can't escape it.
no matter how i run, i am this prisoner to a hope..
a hope for joy, a hope for.. fulfillment.
and i struggled with writing that,
struggled to acknowledge i'm yearning
for fulfillment brought on by love and job stuff.
the nagging-ness of this place in me,
thoroughly ingrained in me over thirty years,
to acknowledge jesus as the sole provided of that stuff.
but the the yearning for it,
the belief in it totally remains.
and i can't escape that either.

spring is totally in the air.
thank god.
being underneath these clear skies a couple times a day
is starting to show how essential it is for the lonely soul.

i think my friend count may be up to two now.
hurrah!

spent this last weekend in north england,
having an incomparable visit,
with the incomparable robin cicanski.
the weekend started out rough,
rushing rushing from work,
only to miss my flight,
somehow unable to connect to robin's phone number..
sweaty, frenzied, stressed out to the nines..
calling canada to try and get through to robin in england..
finally manage it with the power of
a few stellar, there when you need them friends.
pay the extra 50 euros to fly out the next day.
plop down to eat a hamburger in the airport macdonalds,
only to be moved to tears with
a telephone conversation surrounding
that days henri nouwens lent readings
that seemed to imbibe and penetrate my soul
and thus washing the stress and frenzy,
and leaving in its wake,
at least a little hope.
it felt silly.
there in the macdonalds at charles de gaulle airport.
but i was met.

i also felt met there in england.
there is surely none so great a host as ms. cicanski.
i was bowled over the entire time
by the thoughfulness that existed there.
i don't know how, in my life,
i've found all these givers to be friends with me
but i am fully aware of
the graciousness and greatfulness required of me,
and its there.
its surely there.
i'm lucky.
i'm far away.
but i'm lucky.

french strawberries.
heard about 'em.
heard they were the best..
whatevs.
in this day and age,
where everything is shipped here and there and anywhere,
where you can get any produce you want at any time of year
(and cheaply)
i subconciously assumed that i'd,
somewhere along my journey,
had at least a couple of the best strawberries in the world.
i fucking kid you not,
i had not.
i do think that they only exist in france!
they are the sweetest, softest,
melt in your mouth strawberry
i've ever, ever had.
so delicate that,
you know,
i don't think they attempt shipping them.
although it could be too,
the french just decided to keep them to themselves.
i don't doubt it.
but isn't kind of nice to know
in this day and age
that there is still something that you can't get
whenever, wherever you want?
that there exists in the world,
something that you'd have to go to get,
and won't come to you.
and more over, that its totally worth it.