i know i havn't written in over three weeks, nearly four (oh my goodness)
and that a short little entry isn't what you deserve,
but alas, just a quickie to tell you that yesterday was a really good day.

1. rode my bike to work (got lost twice)

2. because of bike, was able to stop at starbucks
and buy massive morning coffee (oh how i've MISSED YOU!!!)

3. dinner invitation for friday night at annie and thierry's

4. read a great quote that inspired from garance dore:
"..that there are career choices way off the beaten path, and that’s it’s the passion you put in it that makes it glamorous…"

5. met a really hot japanese manny at the kids gymnastic class.

6. slipped and fell on an oily cross walk and black and blue'd my knee REALLY GOOD.

listening to patty griffin's nobody's cryin'.
"still have this secret hope
sometimes all I do is cope"..

thinking so much about hope lately.
words and phrases keep coming
across my path that completely resonate.
maybe its a season for hope.
maybe its the actual season of spring, bringing hope..
"i am not an optimist, but merely a prisoner of hope"
which is true
because i'm not totally optimistic
that love will come
or that career happiness will soon find me.
but even in this feeling of weariness,
hope remains.
and i can't escape it.
no matter how i run, i am this prisoner to a hope..
a hope for joy, a hope for.. fulfillment.
and i struggled with writing that,
struggled to acknowledge i'm yearning
for fulfillment brought on by love and job stuff.
the nagging-ness of this place in me,
thoroughly ingrained in me over thirty years,
to acknowledge jesus as the sole provided of that stuff.
but the the yearning for it,
the belief in it totally remains.
and i can't escape that either.

spring is totally in the air.
thank god.
being underneath these clear skies a couple times a day
is starting to show how essential it is for the lonely soul.

i think my friend count may be up to two now.
hurrah!

spent this last weekend in north england,
having an incomparable visit,
with the incomparable robin cicanski.
the weekend started out rough,
rushing rushing from work,
only to miss my flight,
somehow unable to connect to robin's phone number..
sweaty, frenzied, stressed out to the nines..
calling canada to try and get through to robin in england..
finally manage it with the power of
a few stellar, there when you need them friends.
pay the extra 50 euros to fly out the next day.
plop down to eat a hamburger in the airport macdonalds,
only to be moved to tears with
a telephone conversation surrounding
that days henri nouwens lent readings
that seemed to imbibe and penetrate my soul
and thus washing the stress and frenzy,
and leaving in its wake,
at least a little hope.
it felt silly.
there in the macdonalds at charles de gaulle airport.
but i was met.

i also felt met there in england.
there is surely none so great a host as ms. cicanski.
i was bowled over the entire time
by the thoughfulness that existed there.
i don't know how, in my life,
i've found all these givers to be friends with me
but i am fully aware of
the graciousness and greatfulness required of me,
and its there.
its surely there.
i'm lucky.
i'm far away.
but i'm lucky.

french strawberries.
heard about 'em.
heard they were the best..
whatevs.
in this day and age,
where everything is shipped here and there and anywhere,
where you can get any produce you want at any time of year
(and cheaply)
i subconciously assumed that i'd,
somewhere along my journey,
had at least a couple of the best strawberries in the world.
i fucking kid you not,
i had not.
i do think that they only exist in france!
they are the sweetest, softest,
melt in your mouth strawberry
i've ever, ever had.
so delicate that,
you know,
i don't think they attempt shipping them.
although it could be too,
the french just decided to keep them to themselves.
i don't doubt it.
but isn't kind of nice to know
in this day and age
that there is still something that you can't get
whenever, wherever you want?
that there exists in the world,
something that you'd have to go to get,
and won't come to you.
and more over, that its totally worth it.

it's funny how ten days can get away from you.
in some ways i apologize, in others i'm apathetic.
i've actually started an ongoing email from myself that has thoughts started,
but not fully thought through, or reflected on,
but in the end would probably make for good posting.

today is a monday of mondays.
as in "someone has a case of the mondays".
what was to be a weekend of finally making it out to ikea,
meeting up with a new person friend i met..
became the weekend in which
i did not leave her bed for 36 hours
except to puke.

oi.
so back at work after a delightful weekend.
i can be thankful, however, that a trip over to the uk
was postponed from this last weekend until the next.
how much would that have sucked to have shown up puking on your friends doorstep.

monday means bible study day,
which means gotta get a weeks worth of homework done today.
yep homework.
i go to this fandangled american bible study that gives out homework.
i went to my first one last week,
and had the following thoughts
(excerpted from an eamil to a friend):

"...i'm frustrated because of where my faith is,
and having the faith and beliefs of this church held up to me,
assuming to be my guidepost, for me.
its like my faith, its between my father and me,
my love and me,
the holy spirit and me.
living in vancouver/being at mosaic has shown me what community is,
and how it's intrinsically apart of faith..
but the community/church is like a love foundation in which to express,
and crawl deeper..you know?
and here it feels so suppressing and offensive...
its like they are not trusting me with my faith. trusting god with me"

but i've always know that one of my biggest vices has been to throw the baby out with the bathwater. i hear or read something that goes against what i know, and i'm out. i tune out. i have a hard time gleaning any goodness from the thing otherwise.
(i also know that the virtue of it is discernment..which i know is so good, and is a gift...but ya, i can take it too far for sure)

so i'm giving more shots. did my homework today.
the home work frustrated me.
i rebelled by reading all the required reading
in the message translation (HAHAHAHHAHAHA).
and then i just left some of the questions blank.

so we'll see.
see if the bathwater can be tossed but keeping the baby.

also, about this monday.
my work slippers royally stink.
i hate it when i have to buy replacement things.
slippers, contacts, deodorant..bah.

hi.
now i'm 30.

yesterday started out a little rough,
mostly in the longing for my people category.
there may have been a lot of tears.

then the baby wouldn't sleep,
so i fed him a little earlier than usual,
and off we went.
wandered the musee d'orsay for a while
ate lunch on a sunny terrace
had a glass of wine with lunch
AND dessert. tarte au pomme.
and i looked really cute while doing it.
grey knit dress, braided belt, little blue and orange scarf,
navy tights and good sunglasses. cute.

then i went home and had take away pizza and a glass of whiskey
and called it a night.
oh and i read time magazine.

there are probably deeper, more of the heart thoughts surrounding this,
but i'm a little emotionally hung over from yesterday morning.
after all,
i went to bed with a few tears the eve of my birthday,
missing my people,
and woke up laughing to
'everything i do i do it for you'
playing on the radio.
i feel in this instance that god used bryan adams for good.
for the good of seeing how buoyed my heart became.
through tears of course.
its not every day god shares with you via bryan adams.

you konw i ran out of jj bean sometime last week,
but this store bought run of the mill bag of lava azza ain't doing too badly.
i'm quite enjoying it really.
its a good thing about paris really,
all the run of the mill stuff that you buy at the grocery store
even the store brand stuff
is pretty spectacular.
and probably has a ton less ingrediants than the north american store brand equivilant.

OOOO and, when i got my hair cut a couple weeks ago,
sarah (amazing wonderful go see her now)

used this new hair chalk stuff that i couldn't believe.
a couple shakes and my hair had so much texture and hold.
but i didn't buy a canister from her cause it was 20 bucks and i was closing in on being broke after that nutso seattle trip.
but guess what the fuck??
paris grocery store. thats what the fuck.
cheapo five euro bottle, same shit. same results. BOOYA. love paris.

i've decided that
since i don't have friends really here,
(just a few random aquaintinces who in no way are filling me up like you folks),
i am thus not expending a ton of money going out.
so
my new friends are going to be really expensive things.
i'm never going to be at this stage in life again,
being abroad, having expendible income without being freaked out about the future (yet...)
i'm going to buy expensive things.
bags. shoes. coats.
for the shoe portion of the expenditure, i'm heading over to berlin in june.
wanna come?

rumor has it jonny a is coming to town!!!! only for one night, but...YA!


edit: probably should have given this post a nice little edit before posting..HOLY MOLY. my appologies. eh.

here i am. home again.
into my second day back at work..
even though i've had had solid 10+ hour sleeps..my body still feels totally wrecked.
i don't get you jetlag.

a wonderful week.
i found it interesting though, that after being back for a couple of hours,
the magic was gone.
the reality of home had been dressed up and made so fancy by anticipation,
but once actually being back, was like,
oh ya, home. same old same old.
which isn't to say that it wasn't exactly what this heart needed.

celebrating my 30th was perfect.
perhaps a little less intimate than foretold,
but memorable, amazing, and had me walking away awashed in love.
seriously,
if one thing can be said of my wee trip home,
was that i felt loved so so undeniably, so clearly and strongly.

after,
sitting on the plane for nine hours, with a lot of unable to sleep time,
i was thinking of different things from the week.
i felt like so much stuff had happened, both to me and around me,
but only so much was able to be processed and expressed.
even court, whom i was staying with, would ask me about the day..and only certain things would come up, only certain things i would think to mention.

some of the remaining came to thought sitting there on the plane,
why so and so didn't seem as happy to see me as i was them,
regret in not flitting about more at my party, talking to a wider range of people,
and many other smaller/complicated/seemingly insignificant/larger/simple happenings that i didn't think to process in the moment, but having been registered, got stored away somewhere. and now having thought them through, some of them are way more important to me than the others that were immediate.
and all of that made me think how the whole thing works.
whats the filter, or whatever, on what gets dwelt on in the immediate, and what gets brushed aside for later, or maybe never, should i not take the time to think.
this is totally bothering me.
is it something i can become better at?
is it even a flaw?
maybe i just noticed it because there was such an abundance of events and experiences that week.
dunno.

stump town.
speaking of which, stumptown, i'm kicking myself for not picking up another pound of JJ grinds.
i have two lists in my head:
things that are important to me while in paris
things that are important to me while in vancouver.
and i have to be careful to not invalidate any of the items on either list while in the opposing city. talk about a recipe for regret.

ok. love love.

hey guess what, turns out those last ones are half off at lark.
guess who already sent an email asking them to hold to a size 39 till sunday?
tho i still do love, love the first ones,
i feel like buying black shoes FOR spring isn't right. maybe for fall.

three more sleeps yo.

in high search of some brogues. oxfords.
basically a non boot version of my zehas.
and not to jazz shoe-y. eugh.
for your consideration.

and here is a post that's been sitting in my head since saturday.
i call it,
i love soup.

the first time that i really remember falling in love
with the idea of soup and bread, as a meal, was in switzerland.
in grade 12, we went over
for a two week jaunt through a couple countries,
and stayed at this little place in lucerne
(???..anybody remember? i'm lookin at you trish).
i don't even remember the meal at all,
just that they served soup before the meal,
with a basket of bread, and i went nuts. NUTS.
its all i wanted to eat. it was a revelation.

fast forward 12 years (HOLY SHIT),
to this lady living in paris,
often finding herself short of a little cash now and then.
whats a girl to do
but make a large pot of soup on sunday
and thus sustaining herself throughout the week
for mere centimes a bowl.

i'd done this in the past, when living in vancouver,
more out of a idealistic, look at me,
making a large pot of soup, kinda way.
it rarely moved out of the chicken/beef stock,
celery, potatoes, carrots, barley/noodles.
i usually froze 2/3 of it,
and i can't even tell you how much old,
freezer burned, homemade stuff
i threw out that last week in september.

BUT.
then i tried this recipe.
and hold lord have mercy baby jesus
if it isn't the most beautiful, gorgeous soup i know.
i made it again yesterday for this week,
and i think its the third week i've done this.
same soup! every day! not sick of it!
probably cause its not healthy.
although hearty, rich and warming.
i rarely eat more than one bowl,
before being really full and done with its richness.
a perfect blend, not to thick, not so runny..
perfect for mopping with baguette.

alor, et voila, ma potage prefere.
(the only thing to keep in mind
is that you have to bake your potatoes in advance.
well worth it.
and i kept the skins on. vitamins, you know)

BAKED POTATOE SOUP

3 bacon strips, diced
1 small onion, chopped
1 clove garlic, minced
3 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon salt
1 teaspoon dried basil
1/2 teaspoon pepper
3 cups chicken broth
2 large baked potatoes, peeled and cubed
1 cup half-and-half cream
1/2 teaspoon hot pepper sauce
Shredded Cheddar cheese

In a large saucepan, cook bacon until crisp.
Drain, reserving 1 tablespoon drippings.
Set bacon aside. Saute onion and garlic in the drippings until tender.
Stir in flour, salt, basil and pepper; mix well.
Gradually add broth. Bring to boil; boil and stir for 2 minutes.
Add the potatoes, cream and hot pepper sauce;
heat through but do not boil.
Garnish with bacon, cheese.

well, tis the monday.
just sitting down to type after aiding the poor babe to sleep.
waaaay more fussy in his bed than normal (normal is almost no fuss)...
turns out little dude had a belly full o gas.
almost as soon as i picked him up..RELEASE.
and now he sleeps soundly.

brunch with tom and mandy was so lovely.
they make a wonderful little newlywed couple.
it was good, just for the morning, to be free from effort.
effort to communicate, effort to express..
instead to just make some good scones, some good coffee, some potatoes and eggs...and just relax. wonderful.
ma coeur est pleine.

just about ready to leave broke-town.
this here is the beginning of the last of three weeks.
hurrah!
i would do it all over again however,
since i camped out here in order to take the little week holiday.
so in that regard, broke town rules.
its just in leaving, what sort of self control will befall me?
i'm having visions of new bags and shoes...

hurrah hurrah
tom and mandy are in town
and are coming over for breakfast tomorrow.
you know what that means.

...
..
...

those scones.
(happy shiver)

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this is the only decent photo i could find of tom and mandy.
and its not really even that decent.
i mean, mandy has good grounds here to smack me upside the head.
but they just got married on sunday!
they are here for 'leur vacance de noce'.

new post. new post. new post.
a direct response to aimee and her faithful, loving comments.
so three weeks tomorrow morning i'll be a coming home.
and what a week to be coming home to,
i feel like i've a staff of 12 social coordinators on payroll,
the week is nearly full and i've not lifted a finger.
and all at the same time i'm excited,
overwhelmed by the love,
can't wait to do everything,
worried that there won't be enough time for everything,
incredibly greatful...

what a treat to be going somewhere,
and that somewhere is home.
i can't get over it.
its like i finally understand dorothy
from wizard of the freaking oz,
there is no place like home.
surrounded by wonder and beauty and the unknown of oz/paris..
there is no place like home.

so.
while i'm home one of the main things we're focusing on
is breakfast every morning.
since going out for breakfast remains my favorite meal out,
there in lie all my favorite restaurants
(except for faux bouregois..but i mean really, french food?).
deacons corner, dockers diner, odegards, jethros grub...
pick a day! join me/us/whoever!

oh and in the funny vein of things...
i acutally considered buying
a train ticket to berlin for a shoe sale.
!!!!
my favorite shoe makes, makers of my orange boots, zeha,
is based in berlin, and the three stores there
have marked ALL their shoes at 50% off.
ok now i'm considering it all over again.
:)

i made cheddar apple scones this morning...
good lord in heaven praise baby jesus i only made half the recipe...
i ate two thirds of my yield.
they were soooo good.
i can't reccomend highly enough this recipe.
perfect for this chilly day. with a cuppa while the babe is sleeping.

happy friday!

ringing through my head this week
paul oakley's song, kiss the river

i am longing
waiting ‘til the rain
becomes a river,
swelling like a flood
so I can dive into the sweetest love

feels like this promise i've been given.
just requiring of me a little more patience.
so i will. be patient. and happily.
whatever dryness now...it's rich too.
you know?


i splurged a little this month,
and bought a plane ticket to vancouver for a week!
i honestly don't think there is a better place to vacation than home.
especially since being home will help mark a certain birthday
in a way that swells my heart.
there is no better place in life,
than with those that know you,
and love you with all that knowledge.
ugh. five weeks is going to crawl by so slowly!

good for new years.

another good day..
three hour skype with those whom i love,
and have a standing tradition with,
to create thoughtful new years resolutions.
just slightly adapted this year. :)
but three hours of discussion and encouragement, ideas and love.
good.

i just had a pretty stunning two days for the heart.
simple, as most things of the heart are, but stunning.
went out walking for what turned into an epic three hour doozy, through la marais, ended up by the louvre, and then back home again...
and walked into my bedroom to see this huuuuuge pile of letters and packages. everything came at once! (except for the boxes from my mom and sister..tracking numbers anyone?)
letters and cards and gifts, and bank statements! apart from acutually having the card in my wallet, i now have a french bank account! which can be a whole other story. who has to go the bank five times to finish things up for a bank account? thats right, french people. or english people, who don't know how to work the french system. me.
but ya, it was so great to suit there and rifle through all the handwritten, handmade, handwrapped wonder.
thank you's to shona (and jord!), britt, trish, lisa and stephen, adam and elyse..wait for your official gushy thank you email.

and today was wonderful and simple because i baked, had tea with my roomates girlfriend, and laaaauugghed, and then talked to those three little people in vancouver who are the same shape as my hole. for over an hour. ohhhh. its good.

merry christmas!
currently sitting in cozy central london flat, quiet for the moment as 6 of 8 have gone off for a blustery day walk and last minute grocery shop for tomorrows epic christmas day breakfast (the cinnamon buns are currently proofing behind me next to the radiator).

this paragraph here is a massive, gratitude filled, overwhelmed emotional shout out to robin cicansky. my partner in skipping the country for year crime, she's studying up in northern england, and thus i have someone to regularily chat with on the same time zone, which in itself is a wonderful gift.
however, upon arriving here in london, a couple hours into conversation, my hosts casually mentioned that packages had arrived for me, and continued on to tell the story about going to pick up the packages from the post, only to be disapointed that they were for me. it took me a second to process this, but then finally.. "hold on, hold on..what???! there are packages HERE?? for ME???" i can't even tell you the level of excitment and joy i felt upon seeing that it was true. my hosts thought it was no big deal beacause they just figured i'd been giving out there address to everyone so that such a thing might occur. they didn't count on the surprise element. and neither did i. only later upon checking facebook did i see that ms. robin cicansky confessed to the jig. oh man. that everyone should have people like this in life. i can't believe the thought and generosity. robin. thanks.

tonight is the midnight christmas mass at paul and louanne's church, which i'm stoked about, followed by chistmas day service tomorrow, and then the whole christmas day to chill out and eat and read and play games.
we've already broken out the skip bo, which playing last night felt so right amongst the music, and conversation and coffees..louanne even said that she might be able to get her hands on a box of settlers of catan, which i admit i over reacted to. settlers? on christmas day?? can christmas day possibly get any better?

sufficed to say,
things are really, really good on this little island (that has cheerios!).
so merry christmas.
i miss you all.

well my dear folks, i am thrilled, and relieved, and overwhelmed with gratitude that i can say,
i'm going to london for christmas!
for those of you that know them,
paul and louanne enns graciously opened up their life in london for this lonely canadian paris dweller.
two nights ago i went and bought my ticket aboard the eurostar train, which i'm excited about in it own right. a two hour train that goes underneath the english channel.

and this pesky lonliness thing.
i sat thinking about it the other day,
and in coming here, leaving my huge life in canada,
i was risking it.
and come what may,
choosing to embrace that experience is paramount.
so right now i'm embracing the lonliness. and it's good.

alright i'm going short again come hell or high water.
here are my inspirations.
imput appreciated.

bad news folks.
last night my computer finally crashed for good.
it's been on the skitz for a couple months now,
so not a huge surprise, no.

just really sad.
i've still access to internet and the like through work,
but so much for the grand uploading of daily photos.

i'm still trying to figure out, budget wise, when a new computer is feesible,
it's looking like january at the soonest, probably febuary.

sigh.

julie and a little parisian appartment splendor.

later tonight i'll upload a couple i took this morning.
a continuous few of what my view is coming out of the metro each morning for work.
it's pretty good. stay tuned.

i really, really, really want these. and have for some time now.
especially when they have the ability to become these.

there has been some badgering from some corners of the world,
and i was thinking about it today,
that henceforth, i'm going to make more of an effort to photographically document goings on here.
i think i'm, mostly sub-conciously, a little conciously, averse to carrying my camera around and whipping it out..that somehow it takes away from me just experiencing. and somehow too, not wanting to paint an unrealistic picture of life here.
because on a bare level, thats what it is for me. just life. just life? hmm.

i guess i should confess that i'm not experiencing paris to it's fullest. i can blame this and that (exaustion, stomach flu, no funds), but i think i'm doing what i tend to default to. which is lay low, make time go by holeing up on my own.
but in being here, is something. something bigger than i'm currently embracing it as.
and i'm wasting it. wasting me.

these were my thoughts today, smoking out the kitchen window, after giving it a pretty decent scrub down (except the floors. still have yet to purchase a damn mop/swiffer thing). i'm not living. i'm letting. it took me a long time in vancouver to acknowledge the same things, but by the time i did, i had a solid, amazing amassment of people in my life. i turned myself from a recluse into a host. which was a huge thing. maybe not recluse..but anyways.

even though i don't have the same amassment, or a person, i need to break out. choose..something.
for now, that something is taking more photo's intentionally, intentionally being creative. using that eye. we'll see what happens next.