lord have mercy!
its been too long.

and now i sit here stumped over what to say.
whats wrong with my mind?
can i think of nothing to ponder over in eloquent vocabulary as to entice you into thinking i'm the lovliest girl alive?

i'm reading pride and predjudice again.
i'm so caught up in the halting, unsure manner in which both elizabeth and darcy dance around, and into, their affections.
today on the bus i read the passage where in elizabeth ponders over her pride for darcy
in regards to his particpation in the lydia/wickam marriage,
and elizabeth realizing the true nature of her own feelings.

i'm in love with that idea: falling in love outside of the common practice of
1. meeting
2. dating.
that love should come from an accumulation of character & personality facets,
and the interacting and conversing within those,
as opposed to knowledge gained within a created bias,
based on swoony gazes.

and on closer examination of myself,
i fully realize
how apart from that reality
i tend to operate.
exceptions of course,
but i'm all for the swoony bias'.
they're fun.
and they're good at running their course.

but oh, give me that sure, undeniable knowledge and assurance,
which births
elizabeth's love for darcy.

god i'm so far north.
but i'm drinking decent coffee at the moment so that relieves some of the inherant negativity.
i wish i had mittens.
and a discussion about global warming,
apart from a 'scientists are the devil' mindset.
love from fort saint john.

my friend sandra walked into my apartment a week ago
joking about the perpetual squalor in which i live
"didn't you go to councilling to deal with this?"
in jest, knowing my councilling outcomes far more than most.
and it stuck in my head,
beacause it was funny.

and then this weekend, with the culmination of tonight,
in dealing with an urgent, negative chunk of life,
thinking
god, how am i still here?
how do i keep letting this stuff become so massive and all encompassing?
but in dealing with this latest life vomit,
i can see myself taking better steps
saying better things with faster responce times..
and then back to sandra's comment too,
the squalor, the severe financial instabiliity,
these things that i hate about myself,
used to drive me to dwell.
but a little investment in introspection
has bought perspective.
and perspective says
julie julie. you little learner you. nice work on dealing with this one.
it also says some lovely little cheesy things.

"We both know Julie.
Neither of us well, but she is the kind of human that all awkwardness of unfamilarity
is thrown out the window upon first introductions.
Someday you should experience a dance party with her,
it could change your life."

tonight i learned about something that has made me laugh and laugh.
not that laughing at a tragedy is anything to be deemed appropriate..
but its called

the boston mollases massacre of 1919.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boston_Molasses_Disaster

a friend is hosting a memorial party come january
(massachusets mollases massacre memorial)
wherein we remember,
with the creation and consumption of all things mollases.
bakes beans, pancakes, those cookies my mom used to make, whisky. you know.

so, although work will get me out of bed in five hours,
this item needed to be told.

actually molasses might be just a by-product of the making of whisky.
maybe i can let you know.

its nearly 2am lying here writing this.
i got in about an hour ago, from the theatre
seeing 'stranger than fiction' and 'little children'
both great,
but the former had me smiling and smiling.
the latter i loved, although i think i may have been a bit too tired to fully engage.

it'd already been a long day,
starting earlier than usual, in order to cover a few breakfast meetings.
and the kicker is, i'm to be up in a few short hours to meet my sister in langly as to head across the border.
i love me a little target therapy.
john junior bean will be supplementing the lost sleep, i assure you.

this afternoon my three year old picked a nickel off the ground,
and promptly turned and handed it to me,
with the words,
"this is for you because you are my best breakfast maker".

the two of them've been calling the littlest ming ming.
now this little thing has been through the gammot of nicknames in her short 10 month run of life.
but ming ming is especially endearing to me because
the addressing of her in this manner, is usually followed with some sort musical dialouge.
'ming ming, you cannot eat the dog food'
(i just realized as i was typing that you cannot hear the melody that i was typing it out to).

here are some the past references. each having the span of 1 week-3 weeks.
bugaboo
buga
buGGA
bung-ga
yaya
baby
frank
mushaboom
shoop shoop/loop loop
sister (as in SISTER! you cannot play with my trains!!!)
banana
strawberry

adieu.
i have overtired heartburn.
actually i've had heartburn for the last few days non stop.
damn the genetics.

iraq for sale.
jeff tweedy.

that was a good dvd night.
thanks tuesday.

beauty.
http://www.brocktyler.com/music/castthyburdens.mp3

i had a bit of a royal themed cinematic afternoon.
i saw both marie antionette and the queen,
both which i duley reccomend.
i attempted to find a rental of anna karenina at my local happy bats,
to no avail.
a certain 1967 version is coming out on tuesday however.
when i got home and IMDb'd it, i was suprised to see so many makes of this classic story.
the one i had been thinking of was filmed in 1997 starring sophie marceau.

i'm having a bit of a half assed nightmare with bedroom redecoration.
all the following things have proven to be banes.
getting down the mini blinds. was shocked to figure out how easy it acutally was.
screwing in the new drapery bracket. its not drywall, its not gyprock and the studs are out to left field. my number 2 philips is failing me.
screwing in a hanging lamp hook into the ceiling.
the paint job. the ideal has turned out to be a horrific, neon, acidic version, of the lovely pastel muted color i had in mind.
and also i'd like to strip the wood floors. but i mean, its a rental, is it really worth it?

tommorow liza and i have appointments at barbarella for long awaited and desperatly overdue hair cuts.
oh goody.

i've learned that pieces hate the obvious.

sunday night. with a good weekend behind me now.
friday after work, i transitted out to surrey to meet stephen.
then out to chilliwack for show with the rest of badgentina (watch that hard g there).
the whole thing was a bit of a gong show..
but we stayed out late, ate out late, got into the city late.

saturday, only a few short hours later, coffees firmly in hand,
we drove downtown for the buffy singalong.
how fun it is amongst a community of 200 with the same appreciation.
we were surprised by the large contingent of normal people, as opposed to past years.
thai food, mosaic, gigi's pizza.

i was outside for a moment at mosaic, and matty came down to join me.
matty has endeared himself to me.
i'm not sure of whats all going on for him,
some pretty serious mental things, as a banner.
walking outside he sees me,
"bella. what are you doing with that evil cigarette in your hand"
and pulls one out to light, with a smile.
i smiled and felt love of god.

i bought the new be good tanya's cd.
but i have not listened to it yet.
i'll let you know.

un petit montage.
the littlest, and the only girl. which can explain some attitude now and then.
the boys are on a superhero bent at the moment. here you can see the 'super mexicans'.
a recent trip to seattle with friends and relations.

"Dolly Parton is like this beacon of peace in the world
because people who hate each other love Dolly Parton.
Rednecks love Dolly Parton.
Gay people love Dolly Parton,
but they might hate each other.
So I think Dolly Parton is like this really nice point of light
where people can converge and enjoy her
and it's a pretty magical thing that she has managed to do."

greg walloch

"If the too obvious, too straight branches of Truth and Good
are crushed or amputated
and cannot reach the light,"
then "perhaps the whimsical, unpredictable,
and unexpected branches of Beauty
will make their way through and soar up to that very place
and in this way perform the work of all three."

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

just got in from a totally classic julie and stephen outing.
including all the following fundementals.
we put the fun in fundemental.
or the mental..
shitty food past any appropriate digesting hour.
happy bats cinema.
buffy. we have purchased our tickets for the singalong.

aside. the buffy the vampire singalong is an annual event here in vancouver.
doning costumes and finery,
the musical episode entilted 'once more with feeling' is aired.
singing along is mandatory.
also aired are a few other choice episodes.
so, october 28th, where will you be?

a major discussion on the poorly chosen apparel of a random pedestrian. fundemental you ask? sadly yes. this happens more oftan than one might like to admit.
a major oversight in evening plans.
a bicycle tucked neatly into the back of stephens van.
and lastly, some choice phrases uttered in unison
that i shan't copy out here.

tommorow is my 'friday'
flying to edmonton on real friday morning.

oh right its sunday night.
i guess since i'm just flopping here..
i'm TIRED.
today was a full day.
today was also rainy and full of decent sized walks.
walk number one. my house to the church for a meeting at one.
walk number two. church to the art gallery for a darfur thing.

which i'll aside here for a moment.
after rawanda we said 'never again'.
well hell, we need to make sure that never again means something.
darfur is insanely on the brink of genocide,
and its nearly the same situation UN wise, an unwillingness to step in.
and because of the unsafety, very few relief organiztions are going in.
come on canadian government. come on UN.
little fact. 648 letters to the government, i think last year, produced 400 million dollars for humantarian work abroad?
http://www.amnesty.ca/themes/sudan_darfur_conflict.php

ok walk number three. home from gallery.
walk number four. out of my apartment to the courtenay's car. then we drove over to the church space for a fest of a show which i'll be completely happy to never see again. aqua teen hunger force. kick me in the head.
also virginia native josh, made his famous tater tot casserole.
tater tots, cheese, mushroom soup and ground beef. i'm guessing regular, not lean.

back to the grind tommorow. i'm in decent countdown mode now, until my flight one province right.
one week this friday.
edmonton for about 18 hours, and then an excellent road trip one more province right, and into REGINA!!
gerrards and tylers unite.

i havn't had froot loops in, i'm sure, years.
but my mind just formed a perfect, mirage-like spoonful of them.
goodnight.

i'm taking that last one off,
really intresting, just a lot of words.
and hello. its 7.38 on sunday morning.
what the fuck
i would normally say.
but i'm just about off to the shower,
and then heading out to coquitlam
in a borrowed car.
to be there by nine oclock.
but right now its 7.39
and i have mild heartburn,
and greasy hair
and nearly no will to do anything about it.
my only beacon right now
is that coffee a few blocks away.

i'd like to break up the mid week monotony
with a beautiful little song that i found tonight
and havn't stopped listening.
and its by the most beautiful girl
whom i havn't seen in a few years.

hmm since i cannot figure how to bring the song to you,
please go to the song.
its posted on (my) myspace
please click on the right hand link.

its so lovely.

i feel burdened to this whole sunday night recap commitment.
especially so when i feel i have nothing to recap.
in my last post i mentioned my waning energy levels,
which really dictated my weekend i fear.
loads of sleeping in,
quite a bit of solitary red wine and smokes,
a viewing for the forth time of angelina jolie on inside the actors studio,
and i think which will now lead me to give forth my own answers to the bernard pivot questionaire.

What is your favorite word? plethora. incomparable
What is your least favorite word? quiver
What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? a perception of genuine
What turns you off? a perception of putting on airs..
What is your favorite curse word? fuck.
What sound or noise do you love? the sound of barefeet padding on smooth cement.
What sound or noise do you hate? open mouthed chewing.
What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? acting
What profession would you not like to do? doctor.
If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? no words. a smile, some tears and hug would be lovely.

i've had crap energy this week.
i'm lying here on my stomach
at 845 and i'm exausted.
i had plans to meet up with some friends,
but it felt good to bail.
if only it means i can stay here in my dark room
and maybe read some more anna karenina.
i've been a tolstoy virgin until now.
i came across this old copy of it at my parents house,
and what started as 'giving it a go',
is now a full fledged engrossment.

i'm holding very dearly to the fact that tommorow is friday.

i've rediscovered peanut butter and jelly
on wonderbread, as an adult.
running around/ bounding up and down stairs after three chillins all day
is a great way to not eat.
and come a moment of pause,
the most attractive thing in the world to me
is a pbj.

so last week was a day early
this week a day late
it all balances out hey?

i'm sitting on my parents back deck,
breathing in the scent of wack of different fruit trees
(which would belong to all the neighbors because my parents can't grow squat)
the pool looks at me with would be invitations
but for the algeside just thrown in.
i came home yesterday with a trunk full of lovelies
and have a full week of
rien rien.
my video store bound sister
has graciously HOOKED ME UP.
this week i'm planning to see all the ones i've been meaning to see.
last night was
paper clips and barbarian invasions.

saturday i rode down to the japanese festival
in a futile effort to meet up with friends
but still mine eyes took in some great sights.
after that i rode over to mosaic
with a mild stop for gelato.

friday night crystal and i were at the space until 12
painting, re vamping, breing creative.
my arms still bear witness to the plethora of colour.
and the new mosaic sign kicks ass.

i think it was my cousin joel
who once said that two in the morning is acutally a very productive time.
oh man.
i cleaned the two rooms of my house that are consistantly dead last on my desire/priority with a sponge list.
i freaking ajaxed the bathroom floor
and scrubbed that fucker with a vegetable scrubber.
thats something.
i also went to town on my kitchen. hallelujah the fruit flys desist.
i flopped into bed so satisfied. and woke up the same.

lantern festival tonight.

so the sunday night recap.
today was one of the best days i've had.
this morning i sky trained out to surrey to meet up with ben and sarah.
my heart is happy to see ben and sarah.
back to the hoskyn house for lunch and lounging.
a little croquet in the park.
very relaxing amongst conversations and such things.
sky training back into the city,
i had to drop off stephen's bus pass that i had borrowed.
a little hike up keefer to where a little contigent of a vineyard meets
andy kenton stephen leading worship,
and one of the best sermons i've heard in a loong time.
it was incredibly refreshing to sit back and work my mind.
a quick stop after at dq, where kenton tells us about frisbee golf.
frisbee golf?
sure, says kenton. buckets instead of holes. smaller, weighted frisbees. nine hole course. queen e park.
andy says, can't go back to langly without seeing this.
so we drive over to queen e park and play a round of frisbee golf.
i surprise myself with my ambidextrous, frisbee throwing, staying moslty within par, skills.
and back to the flat for laundry, cleaning skills.
sunday!

saturday the only thing intresting i did was leave the house at 7 for mosaic.
it was too hot.
after mosaic we went to scott and crystals for wine and fruit. perfect.

friday was the concert by the kids whom stephen and kenton
taught all week in the
school of rock.
totally cute.
three little ten year olds
rocking out to some rad tunes they'd learned.

so sitting here sunday night,
the alarm set for six hours from now,
i'm pretty excited to be going to work tommorow.
jax had his two year birthday party this afternoon,
so i'm curious about how it went down for him.
and opposed to how its been going in recent weeks,
the last week i'd been mostly having a great time again.
so heres to rocking out with a preschooler, a toddler and an infant.
and benny and sarah may come by.

and i'm kind of addicted to mah jong.

hmm. i think i'll start a sunday night tradition here at the blog.
for the second week now i find myself
up at a relatively late hour
having slept in
thus with no prospects for sleep on the horizon.
which make for intresting mondays at work.

a weekend recap?
friday night i hung out with my dearest courtnay
i think we did dinner..
saturday i slept late late
did a little shopping and walking in the neighborhood
and walked down to mosaic later on.
mosaic was good because it was super tiny this week.
a disheartened attept at social all accoss the board
found me walking late over to happy bats and got some movies.
today i spent the afternoon at our community bikes
learning about the various mechanical functions and maladies of my bike.
but now my bike is so perfect!
a quick hello with the toons at jj
then down to MEC to get a new bike lock
then dinner with courtnay one more.

and now i sit here.
i'm excited to ride my bike tommorow to feel the difference.
lussierhoskyn are here this week..mid i think.
but a whole other week until it gets detailed.
maybe i should climb into bed and pretend that sleep is upon me.
and also my house is screaming for a clean. screaming.
have i mentioned my love affair with red river?
its so delicious first thing in the morning. a little demurera..ooo.

last night after mosaic,
josh and his american, david bazan lookalike contingent, jay and ross
along with suzie and i
walked down to the night market
strolled around
introduced bubble tea, against my attempted veto.
ate lots for cheap.
then we drove over to the drive.
attempted havana's..who has their last call at 11 on a saturday night?
decided to walk up to wazubee's.
4 pitchers of beer on an american credit card later,
we decided to crash at suzie's place, which is decently close by.
jay and ross proclaim their midwestern roots
and deem themselves impervius to such a low consumed amount of alcohol.
"we're midwestern."
we drive slowly the 10 blocks to suzie's house.
roomate absent means a bed for julie.
too hot upstairs, so i grabbed a pillow and headed out to the hammock.
my hindsight time perception i'm sure is slightly scued due scottish cream ale.
but i lasted maybe about 1/2 hour, 45,
and then i'm too cold.
back to bed..around three..
up at 7..can't sleep
look through absent roomies books
read 'god in the allies' in its entirety.
10 everyone else starts to stir,
we leave for breakfast on main street.
five breakfasts on a different american credit card later,
we say goodbyes, great to meet you's
have fun selling your fireworks
thanks for treating
no its a twoonie
thats a loonie.