Friday, November 06, 2009

all around me its a blustery day. but sitting curled up on the couch by the fireplace renders me apathetic to weather and rain gear, and nagging reminders that the picking up the the 6 year old that will require all sorts of bundling up and venturing out.

this past two weeks i've been thinking about relationship. about communication therein.
i've been working for my boss for going on five years now, and while its comfortable and patterned, the pattern set up is not at all one that i'm cherishing to lead me on, to be a shining light into my growth as a human, as a communal human. neither of us express what frustrates us within the working relationship, nor are we able to honestly express a genuine gratitude. if i'm feeling overburdened and frustrated, etc, those emotions don't get expressed. i mean, they find themselves some other way of being acknowledged, through short words, and lack of words. and i suspect that my boss' frustrations about the job i'm doing find those same routes of expresssion. every one but the healthy one.
and the situation remains the same when it comes to positive feedback. no real acknowledgment, just a peppier attitude.
and this being the main relationship in my life, monday to friday for eight hours a day, i feel like because of this it should be somewhat life giving and helping along the steps to better me. but its the opposite.

and just now i've harkened back to a thought i wrote out about two years ago in regards to expression, :

"today walking the from the bus stop to work
this picture came to me about my emotional fuckwitage.
this picture of
how i've trapped all my emotions
how i've learned to hold and supress all my emotions
having all my life so many emotions of strength and force
that being young and unlearned and uneducated and un-nurtured were debilitating and hurtful and uncontrollable
so closed up the route good and proper that would lead them to be expressed eloquently and healthily
but i've also learned how to let a laugh squeeze through
an easy smile
a smile that belys truth and expression
and now after all these years
those come so easy and free
the passage is quite clear and known for those guys
but remains so tight and closed and blockaded for truth and beauty and expression
and how i'm scared shitless to try and force open little by little that passage
for fear of what will dump out
uncontrollably and inconveniently and incapacitatingly
but i've got to learn it
i've got to practice using that passage
make me brave
make me vulnerable
and intimate
let beauty dump out of me
in tears
and floods"

someone has to teach this kid how to express! clearly the dominant relationship in my life is producing little effect, somehow its gotta be time to take matters into my own hands. how the fuck how? how can i go on solidifying the unhealthy pattern of stuffing it and dealing internally, when what i want is so far a cry from that?
help me out.

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