i've been thinking about my life these last few weeks
and how different it is now.
i'm not sure compared to what.
it just feels lovely and more complete,
and i feel more content.
every night of the week finds me out of my apartment,
which i used to think would overwhelm me,
and i'd burn out.
but its so good.
every night out is apart of me.
not just a commitment,
but an extension of my life,
that i love.
i'm finally doing music outside of the walls of church.
i'm stepping into myself with my councillor,
and see the fruits of it
every encounter of the day.
i have a ridiculously fantastic community
which isn't always easy
but always beneficial.
i've learned the dependance on coffee,
and i can't remember why it took so long.

i suppose this is the beginning of this expression.

i went into pulp fiction books the other day to try and find a ramona quimby book for a gift
and found a copy of fast food nation.
so i'm reading that.
or rather, i'm about to stop typing to go and read that.
tommorow is friday, and also payday. a very special day.
tomorow night is daves birthday party.
saturday is crystal's cherry blossom picnic birthday party,
and also joel's show at night.

you know how when you clean your bedroom
put on fresh sheets
light a candle...
ya. that feeling. me.

julie
cannot
cannot
cannot
stop listening to
judee sill
'the lamb ran away with the crown'
you
must
must
must
download it.

a band website of sorts
www.myspace.com/lofatal
although i don't think the song part is working.
dave?
dave?
i don't think the song part is working! dave!

totally just got back from the
"oh my god i'm hungry but its almost midnight"
run to 7/11 with my roomate.
hotdogs and s/v chips.
daaaaaamn.

au revoir weekend.
today was an insanely interesting day.
benjamin's third birthday party began somewhere around ten this morning
and its always exausting to be around excitable children en mass

then probably the most intresting thing of all, around mid afternoon
i helped a poor fugative escape from a tyrannous rule.
loaded up my car, even the bags that were hidden in the bamboo bushes.
and now i have a roomate. more than welcome sweet child of freedom.

and i just got back from band practice
which went really well
except my poor voice of improper use
you will learn you will learn.

et maintanant
angel. pauvre conner. pauvre wes.
c'est trop triste.

i'm half dressed, sitting in bed
thinking about my new shirt that i get to wear to mosaic later
but for now i'm typing,
and playing around on IMDb
i love that website
this day began with the toons for lunch
and then shopping with lisa along main
ees our hood ees our hood
i have to be at mosaic in 1/2 hour.

last night we had a birthday party incredibly belated
quite small, quite lovely
great thai, great beer

thusday night my long lost friend courtney came over
and made me dinner
fantastic chorizo, handmade by this crazy man, so the story goes, was the focus
of the savoriest pizza i've ever had
we found a delicious red wine
and a ghetto grocery store dessert.
perfect.

today i am wearing my lucky underwear.
i wonder what will happen.

it all worked itself out
and then some
friday night i stayed on stephen and lisa's couch
which was great and nice and family-ish
left the house about noon when
kelly came out
and we drove around the us of a for a few hours
went to mosaic
still not having keys for my place yet
ARRG
out for foundation
got new keys
borrowed lost season one from jesse
then had a great sunday
it was a lovely weekend.
lovejulie

my spirit is weighed down with heavy
smelly shit.
all day i've been looking forward
to going home after work
taking a bath
and a nap
then leisurely making my way over to the space for a show
but as i was getting ready to head home
my keys are nowhere to be found
the keys for my car
the keys for my house
the keys for my peace and heart
i ended up walking all over creation
reatracing every step i'd made today
to
no
fucking
avail.
finally around six i left my work
got on a bus.almost the wrong bus.changed buses.missed my stop.walked walked.
got to the space to use the phone
turns out landlord is a scatterbrained ass who can't get me in to my place/a new set of keys until tommorow/late afternoon.
and my sister is graciously driving out from chilliwack to offer me a new car key.

but tonight.
i am all empty.
drained of all control for emotion
of all enegery (which could be topped off if i go eat something)
seemingly of all will to hope, which is mostly not true.

jesus help me i can't.

and a good, slightly inebrieated conversation about indigo girls
this past week
has me
immersed
immersed
'what makes me think i can start clean slated
the hardest to learn was the least complicated'
'well you set up your place in my thoughts
moved in, and made my thinking crowded
now we're in the back with the barking dogs'

i don't think i've ever said it before
but yesterday was the best birthday
great breakfast
great party
great morning after cake..cakes!
two of my friends made birthday cakes

i'm lying here in my bed
already two in the afternoon
thinking how i have soundcheck at 4
and i'm so happy
mostly about yesterday
but in general, with life, and yesterday being only a small reflection
of healing, of growth, of a steadfastness that is slowly forming its foundation
of community that is slowly being allowed to establish its roots
in my life
in my life
i've been scattered like the leaves
i've been running just to find some peace

holy crap i've been on the computer for over two hours
but all good
talking with my long lost ottawa girl
and her male and two girls
and a life i have not been familiar with in much too long
so lovely.

and i forsee myself not falling asleep terribly fast..
tommorow is my favorite day of all days.
and i'm going out for breakfast with my favorite people
then going to work at my favorite time. late.
and the rest of the day will, with all hope,
fall beautifully into place.
i love tommorow.