umm i hope sandra doesn't read this,

but i opened up all 12 days of christmas in one day.

santa didn't bring me that self control i'd asked for.

baby's in the kitchen decorating cookies.
the kid has naturally good taste, so i don't feel the need to sit in there with her and mediate the process.
she's singing to herself and perfecting the use of the icing knife.

me, i'm in the living room, on my third cup.
boys are at a friends, holy moly thanks so much carrie.
i'm in a grump mood today.
and what a day for it, right before christmas eve, and we baked these cookies.. i don't think i made the event as fun as it could have been. boo me. just no patience, and too much controlling. things go so much better when i let them create things outside of how i would have done it. but today grump grump grump. sorry guys.

and why should i be so grumpy?
last night i got the best gift i've ever gotten in years and years.
a huge, huge box, wrapped and really heavy, with instructions not to open it until dec. 26th.
as if.
i opened it as soon as i got home,
and found a large beautiful note explaining that this gift was the 12 days of christmas.
whaaaat?
i pulled off some of the papers used to pack it, and inside wall to wall, top to bottom, are 12 beautifully wrapped gifts. each with its own hand drawn card explaining how it pertains to the 'day' it represents.

upon realizing what it was, my feet did not stop hopping, and i did not stop whooping, and then i cried. and cried. and felt so loved, and appreciated, and cared for..all these good things. and hopefully was able to communicate that a little bit to S later that night on the phone.
man, i have a present to open every day until january 6th.

so maybe today is like a hangover from that. hmm.

stuck in a mental place of regret.
sheree's song is going through my head
'can't live regret can only patch up the seams'

a very brief spot of morning where the house is completely empty and i've got a minute to finish my coffee and read the movie reviews for this weekend.
its the kids christmas concert at school, and the whole house emptied.
while normally i'm an emotional sucker for things such as the above, today there remained no other option for me than to stay and be surrounded by quiet and coffee.
the last two nights i've been out until midnight+, some shows etc,
but yesterday really did me in with 22 kids plus parents and siblings coming over for lunch post kindergarten. while trying to fend off this cold. whoa!

so i'm incredibly thankful for this moment.
its so still i can cut it.
and my coffee is not cold yet.
and there is lots of information on the massaschusetts molasses massacre...get excited, its coming..

also, i've been thinking that i'll never be a mccrary sister if i keep getting nervous shakey voice when impromptu asked to sing things..ann or regina would never get nervous shakey voice.

my second cup of coffee is brewing.
today three year old and i were making some christmas crafts,
(me trying to find every use possible for the behemoth stack of construction paper we purchased last week, seriously, 3/4 foot thick).
after we'd pasted together trees, santa's, santa's cousin baby jesus, some presents,
she got into drawing a picture that was mainly about me.
about how i'd been kidnapped and locked away,
and the bad people had replaced me so no one would know
(seriously, she's three..).
but the good guys figured out this replacement wasn't me,
because when they asked 'evil julie' if she wanted some coffee,
she said,
"no, i don't like coffee".
and the good guys said,
"you're not the real julie! what have you done with the real julie?"

blessed.

friends go on tour and leave me their house to sleep in if need be because its really close to work.

killed my cell phone but had three people offer up some extra's they had.

tired, but going home to watch survivor and grey's and snuggle on the couch.

the abundance of people needing a babysitter this time of year...

..making possible the purchase, finally! of a pair of gorgeous german made boots.

to be continued for sure.

only a little note to say,
really go and read brock's little post about a mall supper.

i woke up this morning about nine o'clock, which i'll openly admit is really early for me on a weekend. yesterday i slept until one. ahem.

but rolling about this morning, realizing i was awake to go, and looking at the clock, the first thing i found myself thinking about was whether or not the line up at slikity jims would be crazy at the moment, or possibly, hopefully in a lull. man. there is a certain bit of grief there. every sunday morning, this is what i did. roll out, stop by newspaper box, walk to slikity's, read paper, eat 'the breakfast'. almost every sunday. sometimes with friends.

so i'm sitting here in my mildly chilly apartment, early enough to be thinking of all the things that are happening later today, and trying for the life of me to figure out where to go for breakfast.

all around me its a blustery day. but sitting curled up on the couch by the fireplace renders me apathetic to weather and rain gear, and nagging reminders that the picking up the the 6 year old that will require all sorts of bundling up and venturing out.

this past two weeks i've been thinking about relationship. about communication therein.
i've been working for my boss for going on five years now, and while its comfortable and patterned, the pattern set up is not at all one that i'm cherishing to lead me on, to be a shining light into my growth as a human, as a communal human. neither of us express what frustrates us within the working relationship, nor are we able to honestly express a genuine gratitude. if i'm feeling overburdened and frustrated, etc, those emotions don't get expressed. i mean, they find themselves some other way of being acknowledged, through short words, and lack of words. and i suspect that my boss' frustrations about the job i'm doing find those same routes of expresssion. every one but the healthy one.
and the situation remains the same when it comes to positive feedback. no real acknowledgment, just a peppier attitude.
and this being the main relationship in my life, monday to friday for eight hours a day, i feel like because of this it should be somewhat life giving and helping along the steps to better me. but its the opposite.

and just now i've harkened back to a thought i wrote out about two years ago in regards to expression, :

"today walking the from the bus stop to work
this picture came to me about my emotional fuckwitage.
this picture of
how i've trapped all my emotions
how i've learned to hold and supress all my emotions
having all my life so many emotions of strength and force
that being young and unlearned and uneducated and un-nurtured were debilitating and hurtful and uncontrollable
so closed up the route good and proper that would lead them to be expressed eloquently and healthily
but i've also learned how to let a laugh squeeze through
an easy smile
a smile that belys truth and expression
and now after all these years
those come so easy and free
the passage is quite clear and known for those guys
but remains so tight and closed and blockaded for truth and beauty and expression
and how i'm scared shitless to try and force open little by little that passage
for fear of what will dump out
uncontrollably and inconveniently and incapacitatingly
but i've got to learn it
i've got to practice using that passage
make me brave
make me vulnerable
and intimate
let beauty dump out of me
in tears
and floods"

someone has to teach this kid how to express! clearly the dominant relationship in my life is producing little effect, somehow its gotta be time to take matters into my own hands. how the fuck how? how can i go on solidifying the unhealthy pattern of stuffing it and dealing internally, when what i want is so far a cry from that?
man.
god.
help me out.

turkey dinner a smash.
tiny apartment, 7 kids, 13 adults, two creaking tables laden with food..
there is still a large leftover pumpkin pie in my fridge which i'm devouring at an alarming rate.

today tired heartburn, weariness, and a possible date to go and see 'it might get loud' at 10pm.

this upcoming sunday i'm hosting an orphan thanksgiving at my house,
and the amount of people coming has sort of gotten away from me at this point.
orphan thanksgiving will be all but an orphanage.
twenty people!! that's a twenty pound bird!
and not even to speak of the size of my apartment.
oh lord.
initially it was only going to be the six of us.
oh boy.

tonight is the inaugural julia child memorial supper club.
i'm super stoked, and on the hunt for a caroline herrara type shirt dress to wear.
julie child wore shirt dress like crazy no?
i'm going to make myself a badge of the trois gourmandes.

i'm super stoked about this meal. 25$. two fantastic chef's. brilliant people.

this morning i had greasy spoon for breakfast with liv.
greasy spoon coffee is so bad but so good.

i really wanted to eat my body cream today.
yum!

me and the oldest dude on granville island last year. he's in grade one now. sigh.

i'm finally taking a vacation from non fiction.
i'd meant to take it a while ago, but it never happened because non fiction's lure's are sunk too deep in my soul.
so i'm reading alexendre dumas' count of monte cristo.
it was a close call with 'the idiot'. by the russian whose name i can't spell.

yay! a story!

labor day. sans anything laborous.
a great day with the c-welt. breakfast at dutch wooden shoe, a first time pedicure that has my toes a nice cherry red, dinner at kwong chow and now back at home considering some movies from the comfort of my bed and laptop.

back to grind tomorrow and boy is it ever a hit the ground running kind of day. first day of school ever for wee jaxson ray, and first full day for wee benjamin. but both are abriviated which mean a weird day of drop offs and pick ups.
stoked though to see some folks i havn't seen in a while.

today we went over to gravity pope and i oggled some very expensive boots that may have to become my own.






in black.

in a few weeks we are heading to san fransisco for the hardly strictly bluegrass festival which i'm looking forward to immensly. cheap flights, free festival, only accomdation left to consider.



i need to learn to name my feelings more.
i think that may be a key.

alone in a big house in eastest van.
well, apart from the resident beareded collie.

just as i thought that out, i realized how lucky i am to, almost every summer without fail, housesit for someone, somewhere, take a break, drink some coffee, watch a ton a movies, discover rachel maddow, be free to meet up with dear friends from the east coast, do laundry for free..

its good.

two weeks ago i was in edmonton for the annual folk festival. i'd never been, but a friend of mine was heading up a squadron of volunteers, so i applied at the suggestion of joining up, and there i was. access to the entire weekend, access to time with friends i hadn't seen in a few, access to patty griffin, and to a deserted sound check by neko case.

a great weekend. ever more thanks to the tylers for the gracious host, the abundance of great food, great things to read, and cozy bed.

had a good week.
spent tuesday on bowen island with the colonal tigh's.
spent wednesday in great conversation with a friend.
spent thursday in a restaurant and movie theatre.

helloo weekend.

leading music tomorrow night at the mose.
i'm looking forward to it. just jon and i.
healing?

good things to come. camping, etown folk fest, destroyer, billy bragg.

i just bought a old copy of julia child's "my life in france" which i'm about to pick up and devour. i'm sure it will set me up good for when i move there. i will cry myself my own book.
i thought i needed a vacation from non-fiction, had set out to the bookstore for that purpose. recently i've finished a whole host of great books, but my body is craving a story. but then my long standing lover, memoirs, swept back in.
and even just five minutes ago i saw another non fiction book that a friend is reading and i wanted it bad. something about particpatory economics. yum.

a glass of water and a piece of jammy toast will be just the thing.

i'm super stoked about the final season of battlestar galacitca coming out at the end of this month.
i'm one episode away from total completion, and no where online can it be found to stream.
stoked.
although impatience got the better of me, and i wikipedia'd it to see what happend. damn. so its the past...

heading out to the edmonton folk fest next month,
all paths lead directly to patty griffin. and neko case.
james won't let me play the new neko case album because he needs to keep his ears virginal so he might be blessed by hearing it on vinyl. wanker.

dirty projectors? good.