only a little note to say,
really go and read brock's little post about a mall supper.

i woke up this morning about nine o'clock, which i'll openly admit is really early for me on a weekend. yesterday i slept until one. ahem.

but rolling about this morning, realizing i was awake to go, and looking at the clock, the first thing i found myself thinking about was whether or not the line up at slikity jims would be crazy at the moment, or possibly, hopefully in a lull. man. there is a certain bit of grief there. every sunday morning, this is what i did. roll out, stop by newspaper box, walk to slikity's, read paper, eat 'the breakfast'. almost every sunday. sometimes with friends.

so i'm sitting here in my mildly chilly apartment, early enough to be thinking of all the things that are happening later today, and trying for the life of me to figure out where to go for breakfast.

all around me its a blustery day. but sitting curled up on the couch by the fireplace renders me apathetic to weather and rain gear, and nagging reminders that the picking up the the 6 year old that will require all sorts of bundling up and venturing out.

this past two weeks i've been thinking about relationship. about communication therein.
i've been working for my boss for going on five years now, and while its comfortable and patterned, the pattern set up is not at all one that i'm cherishing to lead me on, to be a shining light into my growth as a human, as a communal human. neither of us express what frustrates us within the working relationship, nor are we able to honestly express a genuine gratitude. if i'm feeling overburdened and frustrated, etc, those emotions don't get expressed. i mean, they find themselves some other way of being acknowledged, through short words, and lack of words. and i suspect that my boss' frustrations about the job i'm doing find those same routes of expresssion. every one but the healthy one.
and the situation remains the same when it comes to positive feedback. no real acknowledgment, just a peppier attitude.
and this being the main relationship in my life, monday to friday for eight hours a day, i feel like because of this it should be somewhat life giving and helping along the steps to better me. but its the opposite.

and just now i've harkened back to a thought i wrote out about two years ago in regards to expression, :

"today walking the from the bus stop to work
this picture came to me about my emotional fuckwitage.
this picture of
how i've trapped all my emotions
how i've learned to hold and supress all my emotions
having all my life so many emotions of strength and force
that being young and unlearned and uneducated and un-nurtured were debilitating and hurtful and uncontrollable
so closed up the route good and proper that would lead them to be expressed eloquently and healthily
but i've also learned how to let a laugh squeeze through
an easy smile
a smile that belys truth and expression
and now after all these years
those come so easy and free
the passage is quite clear and known for those guys
but remains so tight and closed and blockaded for truth and beauty and expression
and how i'm scared shitless to try and force open little by little that passage
for fear of what will dump out
uncontrollably and inconveniently and incapacitatingly
but i've got to learn it
i've got to practice using that passage
make me brave
make me vulnerable
and intimate
let beauty dump out of me
in tears
and floods"

someone has to teach this kid how to express! clearly the dominant relationship in my life is producing little effect, somehow its gotta be time to take matters into my own hands. how the fuck how? how can i go on solidifying the unhealthy pattern of stuffing it and dealing internally, when what i want is so far a cry from that?
man.
god.
help me out.

turkey dinner a smash.
tiny apartment, 7 kids, 13 adults, two creaking tables laden with food..
there is still a large leftover pumpkin pie in my fridge which i'm devouring at an alarming rate.

today tired heartburn, weariness, and a possible date to go and see 'it might get loud' at 10pm.

this upcoming sunday i'm hosting an orphan thanksgiving at my house,
and the amount of people coming has sort of gotten away from me at this point.
orphan thanksgiving will be all but an orphanage.
twenty people!! that's a twenty pound bird!
and not even to speak of the size of my apartment.
oh lord.
initially it was only going to be the six of us.
oh boy.

tonight is the inaugural julia child memorial supper club.
i'm super stoked, and on the hunt for a caroline herrara type shirt dress to wear.
julie child wore shirt dress like crazy no?
i'm going to make myself a badge of the trois gourmandes.

i'm super stoked about this meal. 25$. two fantastic chef's. brilliant people.

this morning i had greasy spoon for breakfast with liv.
greasy spoon coffee is so bad but so good.

i really wanted to eat my body cream today.
yum!

me and the oldest dude on granville island last year. he's in grade one now. sigh.

i'm finally taking a vacation from non fiction.
i'd meant to take it a while ago, but it never happened because non fiction's lure's are sunk too deep in my soul.
so i'm reading alexendre dumas' count of monte cristo.
it was a close call with 'the idiot'. by the russian whose name i can't spell.

yay! a story!

labor day. sans anything laborous.
a great day with the c-welt. breakfast at dutch wooden shoe, a first time pedicure that has my toes a nice cherry red, dinner at kwong chow and now back at home considering some movies from the comfort of my bed and laptop.

back to grind tomorrow and boy is it ever a hit the ground running kind of day. first day of school ever for wee jaxson ray, and first full day for wee benjamin. but both are abriviated which mean a weird day of drop offs and pick ups.
stoked though to see some folks i havn't seen in a while.

today we went over to gravity pope and i oggled some very expensive boots that may have to become my own.






in black.

in a few weeks we are heading to san fransisco for the hardly strictly bluegrass festival which i'm looking forward to immensly. cheap flights, free festival, only accomdation left to consider.



i need to learn to name my feelings more.
i think that may be a key.

alone in a big house in eastest van.
well, apart from the resident beareded collie.

just as i thought that out, i realized how lucky i am to, almost every summer without fail, housesit for someone, somewhere, take a break, drink some coffee, watch a ton a movies, discover rachel maddow, be free to meet up with dear friends from the east coast, do laundry for free..

its good.

two weeks ago i was in edmonton for the annual folk festival. i'd never been, but a friend of mine was heading up a squadron of volunteers, so i applied at the suggestion of joining up, and there i was. access to the entire weekend, access to time with friends i hadn't seen in a few, access to patty griffin, and to a deserted sound check by neko case.

a great weekend. ever more thanks to the tylers for the gracious host, the abundance of great food, great things to read, and cozy bed.

had a good week.
spent tuesday on bowen island with the colonal tigh's.
spent wednesday in great conversation with a friend.
spent thursday in a restaurant and movie theatre.

helloo weekend.

leading music tomorrow night at the mose.
i'm looking forward to it. just jon and i.
healing?

good things to come. camping, etown folk fest, destroyer, billy bragg.

i just bought a old copy of julia child's "my life in france" which i'm about to pick up and devour. i'm sure it will set me up good for when i move there. i will cry myself my own book.
i thought i needed a vacation from non-fiction, had set out to the bookstore for that purpose. recently i've finished a whole host of great books, but my body is craving a story. but then my long standing lover, memoirs, swept back in.
and even just five minutes ago i saw another non fiction book that a friend is reading and i wanted it bad. something about particpatory economics. yum.

a glass of water and a piece of jammy toast will be just the thing.

i'm super stoked about the final season of battlestar galacitca coming out at the end of this month.
i'm one episode away from total completion, and no where online can it be found to stream.
stoked.
although impatience got the better of me, and i wikipedia'd it to see what happend. damn. so its the past...

heading out to the edmonton folk fest next month,
all paths lead directly to patty griffin. and neko case.
james won't let me play the new neko case album because he needs to keep his ears virginal so he might be blessed by hearing it on vinyl. wanker.

dirty projectors? good.

what was meant to be a lovely bit of time away from kidlets and routine,
has blossomed, not wholly unwelcome, into a time of kidlets, but sans routine.
my regular, 9-5 group of babies has left for the week to toronto, and i remain here in a guest bedroom hanging with the resident bearded collie.
it was a nice gesture on the part of said babies parents as i was free to sublet my apartment in this time, earning me some essentially free cash. apart from the hours i spent cleaning.
but i've also picked up some extra work from around town, so each day has seen a different child in my care. i'm totally lucky that people are so willing to thrust their child into my care and pay me lots of tax free dollars.
but for the most part, that extra work has happily come to a close. leaving me free free free to relax, be a host, bless someone with my time and car, sleep in, have a nooner cigarette or two..
ah cheers. time off is good.

its been a great week as well. full of surprises, fantastic meetings of kindred, and quirky back and forths of email and such things.
my friend ross in scotland had his nose broken for him, and now needs to have a nose job. which has had me in a bit of laughter.
my dear friend from years gone by, now living in ottawa with his beautiful wife told me today they are having a bebe. and i'm over the moon for them. holy crap i can't believe he's going to be a dadio.
monday night i met up with aaron and steve and talked about creative things, creative people and battles of the mind and heart with such combinations. it filled up my soul.
today as i was taking a little babe for a walk on the drive, i ran into my friend dave, and then into jared and darcy, who also knew dave as he had just fixed their broken taps. the world is so small.
tommorow i'm driving with kathleen to washington to retrieve her car which broke down this past weekend at a bluegrass festival which i think, as all mini road trips are wont to, will be great.

and now i'm going to walk the said bearded collie. but i've not mentioned the word to her yet as the moment i do, it'll be chaos until we're half down the block.

leaving for scotland in ten nights.
in contradiction to all previous assertations,
all anticipations and stocks are firmly placed in this trip.
in hearing from our friends who live there,
he's got some killer day and camping trips planned,
i've planned out some spectacular shopping,
and the whole thing just smacks of a good chill environment.
my whole body is leaning and yearning towards this vacation.
i'm so close.

i've read some incredibly eloquent blog posts lately which has me thinking this medium isn't as forgone as i'd given it up to be.
cheers.
in 55 days i am going on vacation to scotland. only for two weeks, and the fact that i'm already counting days negates my attittude of keeping the excitment under wraps for a little while longer as to not solely lean on this endeavor as the means of securing my happiness. all eggs. one basket. not this time.
off to visit some friends in edinburgh (edin-butta) who are picking us up in glasgow, with a few day stint in ayr for some hiking and drinking. i can only assume that everything we'll be engaging in over the two week will have the attachment of 'and drinking'. my best friend and i (everytime i think of her in that term, i question whether its befitting of a 27 year old's friendship) are off together, she staying on longer to go traveling south east asia with one of the scots. i will return to, what one can only wishfully believe to be, a sunny and warm vancouver.

harbouring all your eggs in one basket is such a bitch.
current occurances in my life are vast and plentiful. which is probably an entire other post in itself. lets just call him musician number 3.

whoo hoo. four and half monthes. now thats a hiatus.
well i'm in the last two hours of my little holiday here on top of a hill in chilliwack.
i brought with me a mild list of things that i thought
oh absolutly i'll have time to finally get done.

mend two pairs of jeans
mend a fabulous bra that i havn't worn due to a little pokey pokey
swim frequently and without modesty
get further dug into the stalin biography.
wear socks. because i packed socks, i figured therefor i should wear some.

so in all acutality here is what got accomplished

all but a few chapters got read regarding ole stalin
swimming one time, and with all sorts of modesty.
sun. burn.
cover to cover of a cheesy assed christian romance novel.
polished off 'til we have faces' by cs lewis. one more book back to matt good.
diet coke consumption enough to quench a small nation.
coronation of smoothie queen.

i leave with phil and corrina in a few hours back into the city,
very well relaxed ,
very well laundered
and blessed, incredibly graciously, to have been able to spend a week at the vacant blundell residence.
with a car to get my lazy ass up and down the hill.

tommorow morning is back to the grind
with excitment
and a good smattering of apprehension regarding the insanity of three kids, four and under returning from a week holiday.
and also, as usual, mild concern for money until next paycheque.
jesus please let my gst cheque be there when i get home. amen.

i gush therefor i post.
i have incredible friends. incredible.
while at work today,
the incomparable sandra cosby came in to my abode
and blew through as only one who is so incomparable could do.
i hardly know what to tell of first,
not wanting to order the magnamaty of all she has done.
the girl cleaned.
she. scrubbed. my. kitchen. floor.
which if you know me, will make you realize i'm the most undeserving lout that ever was.
she cleaned my bathroom, my bedroom.
she cleaned every part of soul i tell you.
she organized.
and all this under the banner of redecorating.
all the gross, accumilated furniture, i found propped in the back ally.
and a new spacious, mod apartment awaited inside.
with new furniture and accesories to boot.
i could in depth detail you each crevice of my home,
but the place i'm most elated and excited about is my bedroom.
I HAVE A REAL, ADULT BEDROOM.
with sidetables, and little lamps, and a lovely, long book case with books and frames.
oh man. its so complete, and it astoundingly makes me hate the colour of my room less.

i have amazing people in my life.
gush gush gush.

an opening to this post will be a thank you to matt and sandra who gave me their old 'newlywed special' ikea couch, which, upon introduction to the floorplan, has created my favorite spot to rest that beyond my body.
my music is on shuffle right now, and bruce cockburn's 'all the diamonds' has begun, and it feels perfect.

my weekend has is now ending on a small, but good note.
alone in my space, spacious and dim.
cherished because of the sparsity in place of the usual abundance.
two very full days of good and fun moments. but full of everyone else as well.

i've read some really great things in the last two hours,
which has me thinking and reflecting.
ben said once 'introspection is pride's worst enemy'
and, as now,
i come back to that thought often.

today my grandma, in all her straightlaced mennonite glory, started spinning me a tale about a new breed of poinsettia plants that are purple and glittery.
this upon my exclimation of surprise at said poinsettia, resting in an air of defiance, dead center on the kitchen table.
knowing her story was becoming mildly implausible, she gave it up and admitted buying it beacause it looked cool.

ok kids, 31-60. when the did the first bit, i promised 61-100, forgetting altogether about 31-60.
well, as mathmatically disinclined i may be, i was not to leave them out forever. thanks to ye who pointed it out.


31. i will always spend my last 15 dollars on all you can eat sushi.
32. my house in heaven will have a cheese... farm?
33. my new favorite cracker is black sesame and nori with rock salt.
34. this is becoming quite food centric.
35. the best place for take away dessert in the city, is capers. so good, SO cheap.
36. i own four pairs of jeans that wear, and many more that i bought before i knew how to buy jeans.
37. my new work-laundry philosophy is: one small load day is waaay better than five at once out of desparation.
38. i sometimes cheer, in my head, for the bus to drive off when someone is running desperately to catch it.
39. there could be kitchen cleanliness 'big brother', and it still wouldn't matter.
40. i've read pride and prejudice nine times.
41. i've read harry potters, cumulativly more than that.
42. somewhere in my apartment building someone is playing bongos. rock on.
43. i go through about 4 pairs of sunglasses a summer. i lose them like crazy.
44. i commute with my bike in the summer. i enjoy the svelt look it gives me.
45. i have to take my bike to 'our community bikes' before summer.
46. my bike has many maladies, because it is both prone, and unlucky to have a mildly destructive caregiver.
47. i was born at 6:11 am. march 3rd.
48. i'm listening to fake plastic trees by radiohead.
49. i have both a boy name and a girl name picked out for future kids.
50. i haven't bought a cd in a while, but the last one i bought was the new wailin jennies.
51. the best cd to dance to with a one, a two and three year old is (apart from the wiggles, bless them) is pheonix's its never been like that. rock on.
52. the wiggles are a daily huge debate at work. the two year old loves them, the three year old hates them. and each are equally strongly opinionated. one time the three year old, out of nowhere, asked if they could watch a wiggles video. the two year looked at me with utter amazment and euphoria as to say "this is the best day of my life. i didn't know life could be like this".
53. when i get home, the internet is the first thing i hit, unless i have wine in the house.
54. the websites i check are usually daily and in this order:
hotmail, gmail, people.com, perezhilton, myspace, dooce.com, cnn.com
55. my favorite movie is good will hunting. i can watch it over and again. but i cannot, for even a minute watch it if its playing on tv. there is so much dubbing and ommisions, that i get angry.
56. my favorite scene in said movie is where robin williams gives the speech to matt damon in the park on their second meeting. and the camera doesn't leave robin williams for the whole of it. towards the end, it just slowly pans back to include matt damon. brilliant. and its such a great speech. nice work affleck. damon. van sant.
57. i will go the theatre regardless to see a film by danny boyle, or alfonso cuaron.
58. my bosses have offered to fly me out to ontario for a mini break in april or may. bless them and their abundance of air miles.
59. my two favorite magazines are real simple and vogue.
60. my luxury item on survivor would totally be q-tips.

100 things is something that i've been seeing around here and there on the blogs.
lying in bed with a bit of boredom and elusive sleep, i've decided to give it a whirl. but i could only go as far as 30. so 60-100 will be brought to you at a later date.

1. i hate reading novels written in the first person
2. unless its an autobiographical.
3. i guess then, its not a novel.
4. i hate singing with more than one other person in a band.
5. i am listening to sufjan stevens.
6. sufjan dominates my itunes. with seven albums and somewhere around 20 songs each...
7. my dream esemble cast would include: julianna nicholson, samantha morton, emma thompson, natalie portman, maggie gyllennhaal.
8. i don't like owning movies, but the only ones i do own, i'm embarrassed to own.
9. i get movies as gifts.
10. i enjoy the cigarettes on weekends.
11. diet pepsi rules my roost.
12. it pains me to wear a tshirt.
13. the only reason i have experience fine dining is because of courtenay, a chef at nu.
14. courtenay is my best buddy. she will bring you diet pepsi and a pizza when your addictions have run you dry.
15. canta gallo at jj bean is the best blend of coffee of all time. my boss bought me a pound if it at work and i drink way more than i ever did before.
16. i am a pro star at dressing 1 year olds to kill.
17. i only own two towels.
18. i hate socks that arn't fully cotton.
19. i hate sweaty feet.
20. i hate cold feet. especially in bed. yeeegad.
21. i accidently painted my bedroom a horrendus color. acidic pastel yellow.
22. i've had a craving this last two weeks to paint my living room teal.
23. i have had three cars given to me.
24. i dont know why, i am a horrible car person.
25. i'm hoping to soon become a superb and wonderful scoter person.
26. i have a crush on a boy.
27. there are some mom blogs that i like reading.
28. i am not a mom.
29. i am the lynchpin of the modern family.
30. benefit benetint is the best beauty product known to woman.

lord have mercy!
its been too long.

and now i sit here stumped over what to say.
whats wrong with my mind?
can i think of nothing to ponder over in eloquent vocabulary as to entice you into thinking i'm the lovliest girl alive?

i'm reading pride and predjudice again.
i'm so caught up in the halting, unsure manner in which both elizabeth and darcy dance around, and into, their affections.
today on the bus i read the passage where in elizabeth ponders over her pride for darcy
in regards to his particpation in the lydia/wickam marriage,
and elizabeth realizing the true nature of her own feelings.

i'm in love with that idea: falling in love outside of the common practice of
1. meeting
2. dating.
that love should come from an accumulation of character & personality facets,
and the interacting and conversing within those,
as opposed to knowledge gained within a created bias,
based on swoony gazes.

and on closer examination of myself,
i fully realize
how apart from that reality
i tend to operate.
exceptions of course,
but i'm all for the swoony bias'.
they're fun.
and they're good at running their course.

but oh, give me that sure, undeniable knowledge and assurance,
which births
elizabeth's love for darcy.

god i'm so far north.
but i'm drinking decent coffee at the moment so that relieves some of the inherant negativity.
i wish i had mittens.
and a discussion about global warming,
apart from a 'scientists are the devil' mindset.
love from fort saint john.

my friend sandra walked into my apartment a week ago
joking about the perpetual squalor in which i live
"didn't you go to councilling to deal with this?"
in jest, knowing my councilling outcomes far more than most.
and it stuck in my head,
beacause it was funny.

and then this weekend, with the culmination of tonight,
in dealing with an urgent, negative chunk of life,
thinking
god, how am i still here?
how do i keep letting this stuff become so massive and all encompassing?
but in dealing with this latest life vomit,
i can see myself taking better steps
saying better things with faster responce times..
and then back to sandra's comment too,
the squalor, the severe financial instabiliity,
these things that i hate about myself,
used to drive me to dwell.
but a little investment in introspection
has bought perspective.
and perspective says
julie julie. you little learner you. nice work on dealing with this one.
it also says some lovely little cheesy things.