hung out lots with my cousin joel. he's an insane artist, and i always forget how well we get along when we're together. we ended up watching some a+e specials on jesus, and discussing some of it, mocking some of it, having some rad talks. joel excites me. we will hang out more. you all will love him.

i'm so bored.
listening to emmylou. she's amazing.
i feel like being arty and crafty.

i've settled into a cozy little christmas day.
i rented some movies yesterday, bought lots of groceries on tuesday...
i wish i knew something about lighting a fire in a fireplace. or chestnuts roasting.
just kidding, i'm not a huge nut person.
reading some piper, watching jane austen, yum.
this year we are doing christmas on the 28th because my sister gets home from bolivia the 27th.
but tommorow is the big annual family shebang at grandma/pa 's.
people!
i am an all by myself person, but the tradtional impressed idea about christmas is second guessing my security in the lack of other people.

"its been a bloody stupid day.."b+s
amidst the chrstimas eve rush for bread
we here a noise clanging down the sidewalk
all customers, all employees, and everyone else
stops to look and sees a dog that was tied to a pole
absolutly BOOT IT down the sidewalk with this pole clanging behind him
then about 10 seconds later a man running almost equally as fast.
the bakrey nearly emptied as everyone went outside to see the conclusion.
everyone was in pure hysterics.

i am picking up some punjabi at work. tak-ee means tired.
i tried to make gian laugh by saying it because i thought it meant poo.
poo, the only word i thought i knew in punjabi.

my feet smell like new china rubber slippers. my body is sore like standing in a bakrey all day.
my mind is void of star trek so i downloaded an epsidode (ok, 2)..i should have never bought this computer. i'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me.

sitting in the kits library.. killing time between work and my small group that i have been absent at for the last three weeks and am really going to out of guilt. damn.
this week is a seven day work week, and i'm gone already. it will be nice to have friday and saturday off.
i feel as i'm sitting here, though many have asked, i have nothing of intrest to say. i'm comparing i guess, the amount of free flowing blog thoughts i had time for last year, to the "there is a 30minute time limit on this workstation"... so i totally find myself writing more at home.. good for me, out of the loop for you.

wandering the asiles searching for edible creativity.
creativity dulled by too much time with bread.
perfect idea, fabulously on sale
grinning upward and laughing
with he
who loves her in the asiles of safeway.

hey, i'm at kawkawa, realizing this is the best possible place i could have spent my two days off. oncroyable.
some time with my catapiller/butterfly friend, let her grow wings!
i watched almost famous, which has a particularily nice soundtrack, and is a great movie.
yesterday i got a vancouver library card, so now i can read.

elliot smith.
man, no more insane musical genius.
you once talked to me about love, but i didn't understand. i didn't understand.

hey lova's
i'm sitting at the church on hold with telus trying to get my freaking phone line. they play bad hold music.
all my friends whom i love, indeed we are still friends, but i don't have a phone..i don't have communication.
so just a little note to not throw away all your thoughts of me, and to not write me off as horrible.
i went to chanting last night, so good.
so good to have just dwelt.

i work at a bakery.
i am learning about breads.
i am almost out of toilet paper.
my oven is still broken. i have a frozen pizza thats been in my freezer for 1.5 weeks that i'm taking with me to small group where i can cook it there and then bring it home for lunch tommorow.

i feel like i have absolutly no eloquence to write anything. but i still feel the need to tell you whats up. apologizing for boringness is so cliche. what?
we move into our new place on oct 1st. 38th/main. vancouver special. how do you window dress a front window that is composed of five tall windows in a concave shape? (concave is the one that goes in right?) i've also decided to shamelessly throw a house warming/bring me groceries party.

help me i'm overwhelmed.
and my oven is broken.
and i only have a dime, literally.
and an earplug.

we're sitting on the balcony, staring at the pool 10 floors down and an apartment building over, trying to decide whether there are people in the pool. or if its just the wierd reflections of the moon. go skinnydippers.

i'm living in the time where all my visions and idealistic assumptions are meeting up with reality.
its a little hard when i often forget that my foundation is hope.
..the rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house. yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation o the rock.
i've spent the day looking for a job. i've spent the last week looking for a place that i can live in. lots of winds and rains.
premptive: happy birthday cellsy bellsy!
does anyone want to hang out with me? i'm available.

tooth. gone.

i'm learning to play guitar.
the peasants rejoice.
i can play g,c,Em,d, a, Am, e, and i think c2.
the peasants rejoice.

this tooth will be the death of me.
i was formally saying "ha, good luck with that" to god who was increasing the pain in order to get me to the dentist...
but tonight i have surrendered.
what the hell is with one little chunk of enamel causing so much catasrophe?
today:
not even two T3's quelled this baby, they just made me not really care. an intresting effect.
so four advil, one fantastic neck rub, ice pack, tears, tears, and orajel later..i'm in a good enough mood to tell you how frustrated i am.
i haaaaate the dentist.
but, you know, maybe, i'll, you know, go get this looked at on monday. (one of my molars is decaying so all thats left is the shell of a tooth, no middle stuff and just recently its started to get the nerves. pleasant.)

they can't make me go back.
i've had a pretty good four day break. friday night i stayed home and watched cinderella with just me.
saturday i did some shopping and then i went to the beginnings of a family gathering. then i headed out with some friends to the fireworks which turned out to be a minor ordeal of what was actually considered "jerico beach". me and ashley walked around for about 2 hours trying to locate these crazies. it has now instilled in me that a pager is nooo good. i need a cell phone.
watched the fireworks. this year i learned that cbc broadcasts the music. who knew? incomparably glorious.
went to church sunday night and then made smores/broke the fire ban with some friends.
today i went down to bellingham, laughed harshly at the west bounders on highway 1.
i just got back from mexican night with the same ban breaking friends. fahitas, volleyball, sombrero's, corona, a nice mellowed atmosphere. good good.
now you are all caught up.
camp is ok. i'm learning wierd things. or rather, god is showing me things in wierd ways. as i think about this upcoming week, (rest of summer) there are some things i think about with excitement, some with mild dread.
julie needs to embrace grace.
yes she does.

we want to show all people the unconditional love and grace of Jesus
without reservations on their lifestyle, religious background
past or future.
this love has no agenda behind it.
this grace sets no dates on personal change or standards of growth.
the idea is to be apart or people’s lives because we truly care for them
rather than to fulfill a religious duty.
to walk with them through all there struggles as a part of there life
not as a religious outsider.

revolution atlanta

went awwaaay this weekend.
to mosiac at 10th, great music, great don, great bread and cream cheese.
to beniths, calmed myself out, walked a dog, shared a bed with a drumset.
to the sac, bought some chicken, made a stirfry.
rushed back to camp not caring that i was late, but then being mad that i got in trouble.
and now
first load is in..tuck books are balanced, and worhsip is telling me that i can work with him later. to which i promptly comply.
so sit here, and think that, a shower would be nice.
or perhaps a trip to bolivia, or a nice apartment in vancouver for 600 a month..on the corner of 12th and ontario maybe?

i hate saskatewan. mainly, nipawin. HATE.
sure they have hotel rooms for 30 bones
but then they smash your window whilst you sleep and steal all of your cd's. all. and those of your friend megan. between the both of us, close to 200.
so driving back to regina, no window and no turntable of music. we were left with one beth orton and one waterdeep.
oh the pain runs deep.

tisdale, sk: land of rape and honey. "no thanks, i don't like honey"

wednesday 7.30-about 2: i was running around with my head cut off. AHH. frustration. maybe we can now be called camp consumerism.
driving through okanogan. my windows were open so i could spit out my cherry pits and i was raging loudly to some aging punk rockers sing about danielle and ramone.
i stopped for supper with my bibe-o.. nice long supper.. so good.
then around medicine hat i got tired so i slept for 3.5 hours in the back of my van in the walmart parking lot.
then russy roseny got me through the rest of the way.
just taking my time getting to sk. increible. best two days ever.
i swear that this hippy traveling life is the one that was orginally meant for me. its the peace i need to gather myself and laugh at myelf and get some crazy bible reading done in mcdonalds.

i like you more when i have my earplugs in.

i do not work for gap any longer.
i have parted ways with the blessed card of discounts.
i may be back. i may prove to be weak.

i have been at camp for a week and two days.
there is grease in the camp food.
it is making my bowles slippery. sorry. thats gross. but grease is slippery.
i got out of my bed at 625 this morning to the tune of someone else's alarm.
i bolted to the shower. survival of the fittest. survival of the fittest.

i'm getting excited about my wedding weekend binge. all through until july 12. oh baby.
i am thrilled about the regina/nipawin/drive to prince george from regina aspect of the trip.
rad people whom i have no way of spending more time with. ontario, i critisize your far away-ness.

this afternoon i have to sort t-shirts. organize the music for the next week or two.
and then i'm going to fields (!).and its only living in hope that would bring about this excitment, mild as it is.

i'm going to camp right now. i'm delaying.
once i go, thats it.
but really, its all a matter of maybe an hour.
cause you know i'm gonna leave...
pretty little lori won't you come out tonight, come out tonight, come out tonight.

had a rad weekend. rad friends.
i was in vancouver mostly. so really, can't go too wrong.
mosaic.. my professor from regina was there. i laughed when he walked in. how unexpected.
the kids. they'll get you. they're trouble.

not religion, not morality, just jesus.
i don't want support wars being fought on morality.
how am i loving through telling people they are wrong.
they're not going to get it.
tell people about jesus.

here is a picture that i am still laughing at. also it makes me like my friend adele more.
i went over to visit her on my way home from canadian tire.
i found her on her back patio
crouched over in her camping chair
grilling a t bone steak and baked potato on her travel bbq.
it was just for her. she was the only one home.
there was twang music blaring.

in my ear:
'my god' by gemma hayes
aaaahhhhhhh
ooohhhhhhhhhh

jazz vespers.oncroyable.
ian coleman trio. pa-rops.
omlets with cheese and 9 eggs. yah.
chanting. oh yah. OH YA.
muslims who become christians. wow. (alliance women luncheon key note speaker).
blaring celtic worship and trying to dance whilst driving. oi.
sensitivity to humor. priceless.

my wise friend deb
happend to be at my work yesterday for my break.
(sigh of contentment goes here)

when ambition lifts
when intention lifts
freedom falls like rain.

"and david danced with all his might before the lord"

a lady just called my house
she dialed 604 instead of 406 (area code)
she wanted to talk to her sister
he sister's name is julie
she went on and on and giggled about how funny this was.
it was all i could do
not to yell
"ok!! i get it!! i'm julie too!!!"

i've been reading alot, coming across a lot of things that are adament about living for today..whats next week? you've got today.
we lack peace.

he can't plan the end
without planning the means.
huh.
i know that there is more in my head about this
but it doesn't have a medium.

parking lots are free from any sort of class or race discrimination.
totally pending on what second you drive into the parking lot,
and who decides to stop shopping when..
thats what determines what spot you get.
one seconds difference can say whether you get the spot next the entrance, or five miles off.
there's no way to reserve spaces, or to slip someone a 20 for them to hurry.
no jaquar or corvair can come along and say to the geo metro "excuse me. know your place. who the hell do you think you are?"
pure equality as found in very few other places in this world.

when i'm cold and alone
all i want is my freedom
and a sudden gust of gravity
i stop wailing and kicking
just to let this water cover me
only if i rest my arms, rest my mind
you'll overcome me and swell up around me
with my fighting so vain, with my vanity so fought
i'm rolling over
~cc

i ate all your gum..
but i put gas in your car.

i'm grouchy.

i am given good things
i am a good thing
my choice is
to take these good things and use/treat them wisely
and let them become part of my understanding of the giver
or
i can use these things in many selfish ways
and let them block me from my understanding.
my first instict is to the latter.
so i painted it out.

on my break today
sitting in my car
eating some subway
listening to some heavy heavy rain
letting the sun shine in.
thinking lots about pharisee's asking jesus what the greatest commandment was.
he says love god, love your neighbor as yourself.
what if its saying,
as you love yourself, love your neighbor...
as you learn to see yourself through the eyes of grace,
as you learn to love that person,
love your neighbor.
learn to see who they are through the eyes of grace as well.
i think that one would tend to think this diddy saying
as much as you love yourself, man, try and love someone else a little bit too. haha.

stupid trial contacts that are too weak.
ow my head.

a lonley day.
the best kind of day,
when needed.
a slight diversion from the solitude to sing willabywollaby with the muchkamino's.. over and over.
willabywollaby wabby, an elephant sat on abby, willabywollaby wommy, an elephant sat on mommy.
i saw xmen two. i loooved it. i looooved it.
the inconsistant placement of some lighting got ben all riled up =)
i've decided pretty definatly to accept the job at camp.
one decision down.
bring on the fall. bring. it. on.

he pushed me to the edge
and i was scared.
he pushed me to the very edge
and i was very scared.
he pushed me over the edge

and i flew.

(overheard)

by the light of the fire
that flickers
and settles
by the company of friends
who roast bannock
and laugh
a peace that passes all understanding
showed up
and lingered
and i thanked him for the beauty
that flickers and settles
and roasts bannock and laughs.

yoyoyo.
just had a little sleepy with my friend GABRIELLE!!! whoooooooooooooooo! lift up yo hay-ands.
eddie came over till one. i like eddie a great deal ("i'm all about you guys becoming friends")
gabe just started playing tha piano.
today we are going to the place where magic happens... kawkawa camp and retreat.
gabe is now under there leash of employment so she has to be back today.
brad is coming too.
i'm the little drivin pawn.
i'm going to convince him that i can live in a trailer for the summer.
DO WE ALL KNOW WHO GETS THERE ON SATURDAY??!!!

i love sunday afternoons. usually i nap. and was all set to do the same today.
but thankfully i have friends who know all the ins and outs of chilliwack.
you'd think i would...i had lame friends in high school i guess.
so they called me up and we drove down to the river and made a fire,
played football, made a raft and tried to sail it, but it sunk,
made shmores, the guys hucked rocks at each others' chests and other places and tried not to flinch..
i'm pretty dirty, nicely worn out, but feelin good.
it was such a nice day out today.
i live in the work of a great god.

i'm still tasting the fish that i had for lunch. it will not go away. i would no longer choose to eat this fish. but away it will not go.
i bought some pj pants for 4 bucks.
i also bought some cracklin oat bran cereal. not available to canada.
i went out for greek food with my gr 12 coolies. then we took poloroid pictures of ourselves.
i watched (the melissa taped) survivor with my incredibly appreicated and intriguing friends.
i got thrown through some more loops as to what i will decide for the fall.
i am a very busy girl.
which is good.
i've been feeling a little restless lately.

two thoughts.
one. i had no idea i could be so easily gratified by cleaning the cash desk at work. it was so covered in pen and stuff that the cleaning results were gleaming white.
two. i have no qualms with burning mixed cd's. i think its a great thing to do for people, making a nice little mixed cd ***(i finished mix 04/03 and its goooood)
i have a slight qualm with burning a whole cd, thats just so blatent. but i mean, if you've already bought the cd, and then you lose it, or it gets destroyed by the kitchen cd player, feel free to burn away yourself another copy. (opinion credit:ben)
but you know, i just like the asthetics of the actual cd. i like reading liner notes, and looking at liner photography and art. i like knowing that i've got the best possible quality of the songs.
but its true, if i had a blank cd and no money and a hankerin for some certain cd...i become blatent.

went to chinese easter last night.
one fabulous pastor/caiaphas and his fabulous wifey
directed a wonderful, creative production that packed the house.
and i was 1/6.5 of all the white people in the joint.
and they make a good cheese platter.
it was great, some great/unexpected music, photography (taken with both slide film and without),
i loved it all.
he is risen indeed.

i watched biography on prince william today.
i think i have a little crush.

my house is a peaceful house.
well, a kind of peace that is directly relational to the fact that
notta one hockey player remains.
i worked today for some nice time and 1/2 pay..
and tonght i'm waiting for this hockey game to be done so i can pop in a movie and eat some supper (you can't have one without the other i'm afraid).
it'll probably go in to fifty overtimes
i would expect nothing less.
for some reason i assumed that everyone would be doing family things tonight,
the lord having died and all,
but no,
they are all working.
i'm thinking of driving around to their houses and taping easter eggs to their doors
=)

its funny how the memory can fade
but then i'm still reminded
when i
smell the rain
and i feel moved to kneel
and live it all again
and i try to kiss the river

and now i'm dying just to live again
and i'm longing,
waiting till the rain becomes a river,
swelling like a flood
so i can dive into the sweetest love
until i'm drowning, drowning in your life
until i'm living, living just to die
just like the river, rolls into the sea
so i surrender to the sweetest love
rolling over me.

~paul.o.

i am so retardedly sick.

there a little obscure song that comes from the winnipeg vineard center's realease "shake off the dust"
you will not be able to find this album in many places
but there is a beautiful little song called "i am yours"
i mean, its kind of a typical vineyard, girl sung ballad,
but pretty none the less.
so use the means of kazaa. you should be able to find it.

and i've been using the word aversion incorrectly.
why didn't you correct me. you know who you are.

today, because i could still hear the punk rockers from 200 meters and walking,
and because i didn't trust the bathrooms at all ,
i walked my little legs over to regent college, half hoping i'd see my friend vania.
i walked by a classroom and to my surprise i got a pang of wanting to be in there and taking notes.
(authors note: i'm still not sure where that feeling came from nor do i really believe it. tee hee)
i got a blackberry smoothie and then looked at books.
they had a rad collection of arts and creativity in the context of spirituality.
so i sat me down and browsed a little. i could still very much hear them. i think its sort of odd that a theological seminary is situated next to a frat house. i think its sort of odd that mothers let their son's live there.
anyways.
i was looking through this one book that was calling all christians who feel this inkling to creativity, to not supress it just because we don't see it as a traditional form of worhsip or, even in daily life.
he used the verse from romans that says "be no longer conformed to this world, (what you are used to as the norm)but be transformed by the renewing of your mind".. he was basically calling us to become who we are creatively, to seek that out.
saying that,
obviously we're going to have the urge to create - we're made in the image of the creator.

so, ya. it was a little inspiring.
that and punk.

you need to check out a song by this girl called regarding miranda.

"I think the church feels like the gospel is what they preach to nonbelievers...
I desperately need the gospel
You're never going to get over the gospel to move on to something deeper.
There isn't anything deeper."
- Derek Webb

three paths.
each with multiplying pros.
a few cons.
really, its a question of my sanity.
i mean, i could just go plumb insane and imerse myself in school.
a nice, familiar type of insanity.
or i could put myself through, or what i think will be, creative/life congesting insanity.
or i could jump out, and into an 'i don't know what the hell i'm doing' sort of insane.
ah life.
the curve balls you call decisions that you throw at me.

last night i the oddest dream.
for about a week now i've had this zittish type growth on my jawline.
but it was pretty big and tumorus, and completly unpopable.
so in my dream
i managed to pop the sucker
and it turns out i had a home pregnancy test stuck in it.
as soon as i pulled it out
everything was normal again on my face.

mohawk, hey.
haha.
my mind is making up pictures.

finding myself somewhat withdrawn/thoughtful today
a numb posterior, lack of hydration
the bus ride home from youth conference.

something about how exactly giftings and comfort zones are supposed to mesh.
we're given gifts.
we're given passions, which often coincide with giftings.
so, we like what we're doing, we're good at it...
how are we supposed to be called out of our comfort zones?
why not stick to stuff where you're most impactful..
maybe comfort zones in my head is too narrowly defined.
maybe this is my mind being defensive against discomfort.

"Find yourself a high foot traffic area that includes all levels of society (BC ferries is the perfect spot). Rather that people watch, foot watch instead. When you see a nice (or naughty) set of feet, imagine what face will match..then go ahead and look. You will be surprised at your findings.

Not only is it fun, it's very interesting when you see a beautiful pair of John Fluvogs, only to find the person wearing a fuzzy collared jean jacket and sporting a mullet?? Or a scuffed up pair of lime green heels on a woman that's dressed like Ivana Trump..

When I first tried this a few years ago, I realized that judging people by their footwear is oftentimes a false representation."

wow my muscles are sore.

there's nothin like a sunday afternoon game of ultimate frisbee
to get the butta finga's in action,
the body nicely worn out,
a hot shower ten times more appreciated.

i also watched people pay major bling bling for pies.
and now i'm on my way out to play games
that will probably render my intelligence helpless.
or make me scum.

today
disapointed.
but i am in sight of a path that could form otherwise.

tommorow
quite nervous.
may my words be true.. and true to me.

but still,
my hope rests
where is should.

sitting on the million dollar floor
folding 50 dollar shirts
wearing 30 dollar jeans
rolled up.
my leg was itchy
because it was dry.
i scratched
but that just made it more angry.
so in desperation
i saliva-ed my exposed leg
oooh baby
gold bond who?

so, short of buying a new, younger, fuel efficiant car,
i've figured out how to save my gas, which of course directly translates to cash in these insane days of gas tax abberations.
all you have to do is drive 60km or less on the highway
!!!
i used less than half i usually do driving home from work tonight
if only it would be deathly blizzardy every night.

so
i'm to be up in 5.45 hours
in order to be at work at 6.
i don't know why i agree to this madness
oh wait, thats right,
i was manipulated
by those using the power of friendship for evil. eeeevil.
its like using jesus to get rich
doubly damning if you ask me.

jesus said 'he who hears my word and does them is like the man who builds his house upon the rock'
he didn't say he who hears my word and then thinks about them
he didn't say he who hears my word and agree's with them.
he said whoever hears and does

know whats a really good, albeit, odd and unhealthy snack?
popcorn
with crunched up salt and vinager chips.
it got invented my freshman year out of dire conditions,
and now i crave it, every 5-6 monthes or so.

tonight i went and had a little eye candy. thats chicago.
such a glorious film. i was enraptured.
[right now i'm listening to 'hard to handle' by black crows.]
i'm not particularily tired.. i slept late.
so im really just rambling here for lack of anywhere else to go.
[pretty little thing let me light your candle cause mama I'm sure hard to handle, now yes I am]
had an entertaining celebration yesterday.
a gathering of the who's who of haute society...
chilliwack, wierd fire song, punk rock monkey suits caught on tape and a cheesburger.
tommorow i am buying a table. it will be playing the role of desk until further notice.

oh how I wish I had wings like a dove
then I would fly away and rest
i would fly far away
to the quiet of the wilderness.
how quickly I would escape--
far away from this wild storm. ps 55.6-8

i am now at liberty to set my clock to
the occurance of the annual "drunk hockey players incident"
do i understand? nope.
was it as funny s' hell? yep.
i bid adieu.

today i got my very first bunch of flowers.
i've never gotten flowers before.
i was so happy i walked around all night like a beauty pagent person.
a girl in my gr12 care group brought them for me..
the one that i thought i didn't know how to handle (she is very hormonal).
so it got to me. very aware of the presence of god.
its quite humbling.

i sit i sit.
i cut up a pair of socks so that you can't see them when i wear certain shoes.
but i have to wear socks cause my feet get entirly too moist.
it was a sacrifice.
them socks bore it well. an honorable death.
i watched a movie about southern women who drink. yaya.
then i talked to katie about the genius of empire records.
and store bought icing. "now's your chance.. RUN RUN!!"
my names not f'n warren.

stepping back is the only route to clarity.
and clarity is the key.

there are not a whole lot of things that are better than finding leftover turkey in the refridgerator
i gobble gobble it up.

the lord your god is with you,
he is mighty to save.
he will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.
zeph.3.17

today i went down to bellingham.
as i drove though the border heading south,
i honestly feared a cavity search if i had breathed incorrectly.
they opened doors, asked me ran.dom questions, glared some.
they had trouble closing my back hatch.
its tricky.
suckers.
i'm guessing it has something to do with orange alert.
maybe they thought my polaroid had bomb stuff in it.
but then canada border killed me too..
'uh that'll be $800 in duty please'.
all for the successful quest of finding a fabulous pair of black pants.

i had these great plans to be in bed by 10 since i have to be up at 730.
but then i remember that i have zero clean laundry.
so tommorow would have been skirt day, except my legs arn't in top hairless form.
so i'm waiting for the 2nd load to be done in the washer and then i can throw it in the dryer and be done.
and i really don't like fake people.
i tend to/ always harden myself towards them.
its not very loving of me, i admit.
but boy they frusterate me.
ah look at me on my pedestal. geeet off.

well i was reading some stuff tonight.
and i kept thinking about the humanity of jesus.
he was fully human.
when we go through trials and such,
our god is not a god, who from the mountain top ahead of us, is saying
"come on, i know you can make it- think of how great its going to be
when you get through and make it up here"
we have a god, who step for step has experienced exactly what we feel
and says
"i know baby, i know. keep talking, cause i relate..."

she never sealed the cracks
she was so full of cracks
but i'll never look back....
but she finally crumbled from those cracks.

and in my selfish hand, I held the mortar.

i like driving at night. possibly my favorite time to drive.
but not when there is a so much traffic.
so many freaking bright lights coming at you,
in your review mirror, side mirror. all so bright and flashy.
it drives me banana's.
flashy flash, flashy flash.

so wet.
flip flops were obvioulsy foolish.
oh hindsight.

hung out with my gr 12 coolies.
we made cookies and watched 'blue crush'
minimal expectations, but it was pretty decent.
and because i have an aversion to noticing these things recently, pretty crazy camera work.

since i was now set in the mindset,
i drove some girls home to jack j.
that boy has the gift for a good beat.
and so now, if anyone asks,
i'd be all about moving to hawaii
become a little surfer girl. yeehaw.

so this week is coming along rather hectic...
my amazing friend heidi is putting on a wedding
for these kids who we met through some christmas stuff
decided they wanted to be married before the baby came
so thats this friday.
i'm the photographer.
heidi's gotten a caterer, a pastor (she married well), gifts, even a dress i think
i can't believe her. she's quite amazing.
all in the last 48 hours.

and here i am re learning the same things i thought i got a year ago...

pride is such an illusion.

save your body
save your hair
save your skin
don't go to saskachewan.

jesus being god
is the perfect picture of who god is.
jesus, being man
is the picture of perfect humanity.
to find him, to meditate on him
is to find god
and our own true selves.
~rich m

i once thought all these things were so very important
but now I consider them worthless
compared with the priceless gain of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord.
counting it all garbage, so that I may have Christ. philly 3.7/8

I am still not all I should be
but I am focusing all my energies on this one thing
forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead 3.13

and
for reasons unbeknownst (??!!) to me,
our house has become a breeding ground for those little microwavble pasta dishes.
and i have become their queen.

i went to toons.
and forgot my scarf.
my neck is going to fall OFF.

oh but i did get a pair of socks back.
thats so great.

i got home from work about 5. and have done NOTHING.
all bloody night.
scratch that, i threw in some laundry which made for some trips up and down the stairs.
i'm out of my mind numb right now.
i'm thinking that i'll take a shower because when you are cooling off from it,
its is the exact same process your body does when it goes to bed.
its tricky trickery.
but it will work and i will go to sleeeeeeeep.
tommorow i have children who will vie for my attention and patience.
i've got to figure out a way to get a hair cut.

two nights ago i made a platisine sculpture of the state of my heart. as per the objective of the group building game. i knew instantly that what i needed to make was a shell. nothing else occured to me even once. but when it came time to share what our creations meant- mine was the only was that wasn't cut and dry christian. someone even said "wow, thanks for being able to share that" and i thought, is it so deep? was i expected to create a sailboat, representing god being the wind and directing me where i should go blah blah? good grief- it seems to me that, generally, there is a lack of vulnerability. not that i'm poured out for all to see- i suck suck at being vulnerable (dargatz, love). but i guess its more obscure that i thought. everyone's got pat struggles to confess, but really, if you want to love and be loved, to know and be known really then we've gotta learn to put some of ourselves out there.

today i went to work with my hands smelling of dog.
its not that i don't wash my hands..
such a smell comes not easily off.

and not too many people lied blatently to me about no tax.
it worked well for me.

and now i'm off to view mighty mighty aragorn.
again.
i'll come back later and write some more, ok?
ok.

it is possible that that god says every morning, 'do it again!' to the sun; and every evening 'do it again!' to the moon. it may not be automatic nessesity that makes all daisies alike; it may be that god makes every daisy seperately but has never got tired of making them... the repitition in nature may not be a mere recurrence; it may be a theatrical encore". chesterton chesterton

"i was at a city wide youth rally, and one of the pastors at the meeting said "we need to tell these kids about jesus so that they'll stop getting pregnant, stop doing drugs, and doing all these things". and i thought "wow, we need to tell these kids about jesus beacuse jesus wants them to know about him. it has nothing to do with thier sexual conduct or with the management of their bodies and minds. it has only to do with god so desperatly wanting us to know that he loves us and that he incarnated himself-he became jesus- so that we can know that."
~rich m.

alright.
the other night i wrote a whole long thing about worship.
and then somehow it didn't get published and was lost FORever.
in my frustration i have not written again.
until now.


well this is going to be anticlimatic.

ha. there is nothing really that i want to say.
i think that burger king is a seriously overlooked eatery.
whoppers are AMAZING. jr. whoppers are only 99c. thats insane. so much goodness, for so little cashola.
listening right now to beth orton... ooooooo. so wonderful. check out god song.. and thinking about tommorow.
for those of you who love me, fear not, for i will be near you.. with a burned cd on hand containing this fab. tunes.
speaking of tunes.. toons.. tunes.. i wanta i wanta cd.
and some crazy.
unique only to apt. 905. hiiiii.
also my scarf...
could i please get my scarf?
the cream and gold one.
scarf?

watched a movie with buds.
thought about how i'm getting paid tommorow.
then i thought about how i owe most of it.
realizing that, all along there was a downside to taking a year off from school,
being eligible to pay back your student loan.
then i ate some chocolate.
not 20 pounds mind you,
but a nice combination of all the good things about chocolate bars. sidekick, i promote you.
i'm also wondering if celly has left for sk yet. either tonight or tommorow night.

ahem. happy new year.
probably the most overrated holiday.
and people start parties so freaking early, like 7 or something.. so you are completly obliged to party for five hours before the thing even happens.
plus i was the classic "worked all day, not enough sleep" julie, so i welcomed the slower/quieter pace of the sub-party in the kitchen. where there is spinach dip, there is good times.

banana banana banana. what do you do with a banana?

things recently have generally been condusive to my mellowed out state of being that has taken me this last week or so.
went to an a.maz.ing worship sat night. blessing, love and peace amongst chaos and distrust.
been to the house of the hepps. movies and bk and music repeat.
not great amounts of alone.. thats kinda catching me, but i've got a day or two off now. we're good.